Hey There Delilah

Tom Higgenson looked straight at me as he sang the beautiful lyrics that reminded me of my middle school days.  I swear he did.  I was in the front row, admiring the Plain White T’s and their beautiful voices mostly singing songs I had never heard.  We made eye contact as he sang with his heavenly voice.  Other students called the concert mediocre, but I had a wonderful time.  

I captured their most popular song on video with my phone.  Occasionally I look back on the event and I listen to the song, this version containing more of the crowd singing along than the song I originally recorded off of the radio with my cheap MP3 player as a seventh grader.  I love listening to this song as it never gets old and always stirs up nostalgia.

I remember riding home on the bus and listening to this song in my cocoon of a seat.  Propped up against the window with my backpack on the other side, feet on the seat and head down, I absorbed the words.  I thought to myself how sweet the song was, but how long distance never works.  “Why bother?” I thought, “If you have to go to such great lengths, then it’s obviously not meant to be”. 

Many changes would happen over the course of the six years between 2008 and 2014.  I found love in 2010 and had my heart broken in 2013.  While many problems lead up to the eventual breaking point, long distance was the deciding factor in the relationship’s predestined failure.  This reaffirmed my juvenile beliefs.  Long distance does not work.  If long distance is a factor, it is obviously not meant to be.  I now believed that no matter how strong love is, it could not last the test of physical separation. 

I found true love in 2014.  It came in the form of the most wonderful man to ever walk into my life so perfectly yet so unexpectedly.  I had experienced loving someone before, but not being in love in such a powerfully pure way.  I fell in love nearly instantly, knowing from the moment our eyes met that our romance was inevitable. 

I swore I would never let myself be hurt by long distance again.  Long distance was pointless because it meant miscommunication and forgetting the love once shared when physical barriers were not in place.  Long distance was the cruel demon that had the talent of finding the weaknesses of a relationship and proceeding to destroy it in a ruthless quest to end happiness. The situation was comparable to a death wish.  Long distance was a grenade, ready to explode, leaving memories in the dust and shrapnel of the explosive break ups it caused. 

Long distance scared me when I met him that March night.  Long distance scared me as he tenderly kissed me in April on a Sunday.  Despite my previous thoughts on the matter, long distance no longer scared me as Tom Higgenson sang the adoring words of his love for Delilah.  This song, restoring my faith in love that could survive struggles, made me realize that if the bond between two is strong enough, long distance could possibly work.

I miss him dearly, even though it was only last week that we said our goodbyes and hugged one last time before I drove to Vermont and he flew to Pennsylvania.  I was not scared of long distance when he held me in his arms.  I was not afraid of our love dissolving into thin air.  I was no longer terrified of this heartbreak I had once feared.  This monster, long distance, once like a vicious lion, became a tiny kitten. 

This kitten is always with me.  When I think of him, the kitten purrs and cuddles up against me.  When I remember the sweet words he said to me and the way he ran his fingers through my hair as he told me he loved me, the kitten curls up and sits with my memories.  Occasionally, the pain is hard and the kitten nibbles at my ankles.  I try to soothe it, petting it as I recall the happy times moments we share together and the love I have for him.  The pain is annoying, yet sometimes its teeth are sharp enough to cause me to cry.  I know in the end, the kitten means well and the pain is temporary, but I cannot wait until August when I will no longer be its caretaker.  

Long distance is mild in comparison to the dastardly behemoth my mind had made it out to be.  Perhaps this is because the love between me and my Delilah is strong enough and we are willing.  I consider myself lucky to experience such love in a way that is unbreakable.  I consider myself lucky to understand that long distance is nothing more than what the mind perceives it to be.  I consider myself lucky to be his.

I Lost Weight And Got A Thigh Gap — And Still Have To Defend My Body

May 2013:

My thighs touch in a tight prom dress that is unflattering to my figure and makes me more self-conscious than any bikini ever could. The masses of muscle and fat press together, making me feel disgusting and ugly.

June 2013:

It is my birthday and I watch movies on the couch. It is sticky and hot. We lost appliances, the phone, and the internet from the lightning the day before. The rain keeps me inside. I sit in my hot sweat and my large thighs press firmly together. The cellulite sticks and the sweat drips.

July 2013:

I go for a walk with my mother through the trails near my home. My thighs shake and they start to itch from the jiggling. I tell her about my struggle to eat food without gluten and she sympathizes, knowing how hard it is to shop and cook for my new diet.

August 2013:

The weight from my thighs as well as the rest of my body starts to fade away. The scale moves from 163 to 151 and my thighs which barely squeezed into a size eight were now able to make it into a size six. I feel better eating the safe, gluten-free food now.

September 2013:

I pose in my short, lacy black dress with my thick red belt, standing next to my newest best friends. These friends who I would later consider as close as sisters smile with me. I feel these smaller but fatty thighs press together. I pose jokingly on a bungee chair trying my best to hide my thigh size. An unforgettable picture is snapped.

October 2013:

Kim Possible was cartoon version of a skinny supermodel with big orange hair. The cartoon had the most impossible body imaginable. Halloween was my chance to dress as my favorite heroine from my childhood days. I was a proud 141 and my thighs were drifting apart. They used to touch for about four inches of stretched out skin when I stood with my feet together, but now they were completely separate.

November, December, January, February, March:

My thighs never touch. They are very far from touching when I stand. I eat healthy foods and go to the gym. I have the thigh gap everyone wants so badly. I see 133 on the scale. Thirty pounds ago, a thigh gap was deemed unattainable.

April 2014:

A small part of the media glorifies the thigh gap. An even larger part labels it “unhealthy” and “unnatural”. They say that it is sexier to be curvy and to have thighs that touch because it shows healthy bone structure and it is what “real women” look like. I am five foot six. I proudly weigh 133 pounds. I wear a size six and a medium top. My feet are a size nine. I have a thigh gap. My body is quite average, maybe just a little smaller. I am by no means considered skinny, but I have this thigh gap. Am I not sexy, natural, or beautiful because I have something that others cannot attain? Am I not as desirable because I have something that some people say makes women look sickly and stick figured? Am I not a “real woman”? I am just as attractive as any girl with a bigger thigh gap or with no thigh gap.

I am just as beautiful as I was at 163 pounds. This new thigh gap does not define me. The thigh gap or lack thereof does not equate the worth of a person. Stop obsessing over this space between legs, because you are beautiful with or without one. The media needs to stop telling everyone they need a gap between their thighs. Everyone who finds this offensive should stop attacking this meaningless absence of leg mass. Size does not and never will equate beauty.

I Do Not Consume Food, It Consumes Me

Hunger consumes every single thought.  My stomach aches, begging for something to eat.  I silence it, for ignoring it will hopefully stifle its cries.  I tried so hard to find food that was safe, but to my complaining stomach's dismay, I failed.  No dairy, beef, gluten, cane sugar, eggs, soy... the list seems to expand in my mind whenever I try to recall it.  I can never remember the complete set of culprits, these enemies that silently destroy me on the inside when they manage to infiltrate.  My eyes scan labels like tiny robots, picking up on ingredients, evaluating the amounts of allergens in relations to the food, and calculating the risk of eating them.  My lips taste orange juice mixed with mustard colored powder, taken through a shot glass and chased with warm water.   My body aches all over: back pains of the past resurfacing and fatigue taking a toll on my mental function.  My eyes are weary and barely open.  My body feels weak and there is less of it each and every day.  "You lost more weight" he says as he wraps his hand around my waist, nearly grasping my midsection entirely in his grip.  I sigh.  This time I did not intend to.  The way the numbers on the scale drop is scary.  I feel too thin, like my bone structure cannot handle walking.  I no longer allow myself to exercise.  I crave the bike.  I want to plank and feel the sweat of hard work drip off my forehead.  For now I am this skeleton of a creature I once knew, starving unintentionally.  I want food, I need food, but try as I might, I cannot have it.  Is this what an eating disorder feels like?

Beauty is Happiness

On May 11, 2013, I did not feel beautiful.  This was the day of my Senior Prom.  Although I made my nails look perfect the night before and spent nearly two hours getting my hair done in a curled up-do with fake flowers, I did not feel beautiful.  I donned my gown and heels and took a look in the mirror.  My face, free of blemishes, still did not look beautiful.  My hair, pinned to perfection, did not look beautiful.  My gown, which flattered my imperfect body, did not make me feel beautiful, neither did the corsage on my wrist nor the heels on my feet.
I was not told that I looked beautiful by anyone.  I could not even say it to myself.  I did not feel beautiful.  The more I look back on events such as my Senior prom, I realize what beauty is.  I was supposed to feel beautiful because I "looked beautiful".  Every girl looks beautiful at Prom, right?
I discovered on that day that beauty is so much more than what is seen on the outside.  While we all try to embrace that ideology and accept this as truth, most of us are completely unable to separate inner beauty from outward beauty.
I will say this: my inability to feel beautiful that day was not due to my inability to feel beautiful in general.  I realized this fact last Friday night, nearly a year after the night of my Prom.
I spent nearly an hour preparing to go out to a party with a few of my friends.  I put on an outfit that made me feel confident and my roommate did my makeup in a way that was subtle, yet alluring.  I spent this time and prepared for the festivities happening at a party in my building, but my mind was changed.
I walked down the stairs of my suite into one of my roommate's rooms to talk before going out with my other friends.  There I found her and two of her other friends, one old and one new.  The latter caught my attention as I found him interesting and entertaining, and because of this, I decided to stay behind.  I realized that I did not want to go to a party where I would be surrounded by strangers.  I would much rather stay with this group, wear some more comfortable clothes, and have a quiet night in my own suite.
This small group of us talked, laughed, and connected.  I felt the love of friendship and the caress of shared emotion embracing me.  Soon, our conversations turned into a pillow fight.  Slowly between two, then collectively among the four of us.  I was laughing, smiling, and having the time of my life.
In that moment I felt beautiful.  I was wearing yoga pants and an old sweatshirt from high school.  My hair became a mess and I had fuzzy socks on.  I was not beautiful on the outside, but for some strange reason, I felt it on the outside.
I was smiling like I hadn't smiled in a long time.  I certainly did not feel this joy at Prom.  This happiness is what translated into my feeling of beauty.  I feel beautiful when I have a genuine smile on my face. This was the first time I had felt beautiful in a very long time.
Beauty comes from the inside.  I always felt that this was the case, as I see outward beauty as being of little or no importance.  I have always had this belief, but this was the first time I experienced living up to this value.  I felt so beautiful in that moment because I was expressing happiness.  My cheeks were raised to my squinting eyes and my mouth slightly opened as I revealed a toothy grin.  In that moment of a pillow fight with friends, I felt beauty.
Beauty is not something on the outside.  We can spend money on Prom dresses or spend time having our faces and hair made to look "beautiful", but that will never equate true beauty.  True beauty is an emotion, not a label.  I felt beautiful in a pillow fight, not in a gown.  I will always feel more beautiful when I am smiling with friends than when I am "beautiful" on the outside.

On Writing Fiction: My Lifelong Mission

In 2008, I completed my first short story that I was actually somewhat proud of.  Unfortunately, shortly after completing it, I destroyed it.  As a young seventh grade twelve year old, I was very afraid of what people might think of my writing.  I wrote a story about superheros, a juvenile but fun subject.  I cannot remember what the main character's name was, but I do remember she had the power to control water.  She had a psychic sister and the duo went to a school that taught them to use their superpowers in the best way possible.  In the end, she and her classmates worked to save Times Square from dark forces that could only be stopped by their superpowers.  I worked very hard to come up with the characters and the plot and when I was inspired, I wrote.  I loved it.
Flash forward to 2010.  I tried to harness the power of the pen and write fiction again.  I decided I would try to start NaNoWriMo, also known as National Novel Writing Month.  It is an insane writing challenge that occurs every November where participants write fifty thousand words (an entire novel) in just thirty days.  I imagined a character and attempted to write about her.  Her name was Ginger and she had red hair and she was an outcast like my superhero with water powers.  I abandoned this project after less than a week and very few pages.
Flash forward again to 2014.  I am trying yet again to write fiction.  Unfortunately, I have such a hard time coming up with stories because all my characters end up the same.  They are outcasts that are introverted and very different from their peers.  They are all stuck in worlds that do not understand them.  Moreover, they are cursed with a creator that abandons them in these unwelcoming, fictional worlds.
This author, confused by the world around her, tries to reflect her views of it through her writing.  She attempts to recreate the world as she sees by putting these views into the first-person narratives she writes.  She sometimes gives them superpowers and other times she only gifts them with red hair.  Other times they remain nameless and are only featured in a simple paragraph that is eventually scrapped.
The only qualities that these characters have in common are that they are misunderstood and that their author quickly leaves them behind, moving onto different writing, whether it is academic, self-reflective, or in the form of meaningless tweets.
I have these ideas for characters that are based loosely on my life.  These characters are introverted outcasts.  Creative types with the dream to be understood, they are stuck in worlds where nobody understands them.  Neither the fictional world around them nor their reckless creator is able to give them the attention that they deserve.
So I as a writer promise myself and these abandoned characters that I will one day complete a finished fictional piece.  It will have an outcast character that is not understood, whether it is the main character or not, because it is the least my fictional muse babies deserve.  One day I will do it for you, you beautiful creations that have emerged forth from my wild mind.

My Favorite Color

When I was five years old, I remember being asked what my favorite color was.  I was in the car riding home.  I cannot remember who was with me, who asked the question, or why I have this unusually vivid memory of a simple question, but I do remember my answer.  As we passed down an old barn that had been converted into a preschool that was painted a maroon, I said "red".  Red was my favorite color.  loved the color of firetrucks and finger paints.  The red I loved was the color of circles on a Twister mat, and of strawberries in June.  I was certain of this fact, that I loved the color red.

When I started Kindergarten, I was asked by teachers and classmates what my favorite color was.  I was the only girl in my class that said her favorite color was red.  Why was I so alone for having this opinion?  Why were there only boys that agreed with my affinity for this beautiful color?  All the girls loved pink, purple and blue.  I felt obligated to conform.  Red became in my mind a boy's color, so why should I, a girl, like it?  My new favorite color became purple, because as a girl, it was the right thing to do.  

Us girls were told at a young age which colors we should like.  My parents were obviously not going to try to make me find a new favorite color.  It is something so simple and nearly meaningless, but if it was completely meaningless, would I remember it so clearly thirteen years later?  Why did I feel the pressure to conform and agree with my female peers and choose purple as a new favorite color?

As a girls, we were told to have these opinions and to love these "girl" colors.  We were taught to not love a color such as red.  Red was the color of firetrucks.  It was the color of blood, the blood that flowed when boys jumped off the swings and scraped their knees.  

The boys were not afraid to jump off the swings, even if it meant their knees might become scraped up.  I wanted to jump off the swings too, but I was afraid.  I was not afraid of scraping my knees or getting hurt.  I was not afraid of being different from my friends.  I wanted to show them I was fearless, but I could not.  I was afraid of what the teachers would think.

The teachers expected the girls to be an example.  The girls had to be well behaved in order to set an example for the boys.  They had to uphold the behavior that was expected of the class.

The boys were jumping off swings, climbing up slides, and standing on the monkey bars.  The girls stood by and never did because we were the role models.  We were symbols of what children were supposed to be like, right? Or by standing aside, not participating in adventure, deciding to choose purple as a favorite color over red, were we carrying out hundred year old stereotypes about girls not being able to break out from their assigned gender roles?

My Anti-Bucket List: Things I Really Could Go Without

People invest a lot of time into thinking about their bucket lists.  My personal bucket list contains activities like travelling to Paris and London (again), dying my hair an unusual color (just once), and going to a Red Sox game.  These are all perfectly attainable and I hope to do so at some point, but that will take time.  I could sit here and plan out my bucket list, but everyone does that.  Instead, here is my anti-bucket list.  This is a list of experiences I have not yet had and would be perfectly content with going without for my entire life.

1. Get into a Car Accident
Everyone gets into a car accident at some point in their lives.  My car has been hit four times and I was only in the car during one of them, but all incidents were minor and in parking lots.  I have never been in a major car accident and I would love to never be involved.  The sad part of this is that it is almost inevitable.  Statistically speaking, it is going to happen.  I just hope that when it does, it will be something that causes very little damage and does not harm me or anyone else.

2. Get a Tattoo
I have expressed my feelings towards tattoos many times.  I have friends and family with tattoos and while I love them, I hate their tattoos.  I have never cared for them and I would not mind going the rest of my life without one.

3. Own a Dog
I am a complete cat person.  Dogs completely disgust me and I find them annoying as well as putrid.  I do not find them cute or appealing at all.  I would love to go the rest of my life without ever owning a dog (sorry future kids).

4. Go See a Horror Movie
I hate horror movies with a passion.  Out of politeness, I will watch horror movies with my friends if they decide it is what they want to watch, but if I can avoid them, I will.  My first horror flick was "The Silence of the Lambs" (required for a psychology class) and I was unable to walk around my house at night without being completely petrified for an entire month.  I will never go to a movie theater and pay money to become terrified.

5. Cheat on Someone
No matter how unhappy I am in a relationship, I will never cheat on anyone.  There is nobody that deserves that kind of heartbreak and I will certainly never be the person to cause that much hurt.  I would have the decency to end a relationship before pursuing another person.

6. Go on a Cruise
I would feel pretty trapped on a boat with hundreds of strangers, relying on a floating hotel to take me around the ocean.  Being reliant on Dramamine and the company of strangers at every corner?  No thank you, please.

7. Ride a Roller Coaster that Goes Upside-Down
During the summer of 2012 I rode my first "real" roller coaster, meaning that there was no height maximum and it was not penguin-themed.  I tried it and felt very proud of myself.  All it did was go up and down, but it was fast and very scary.  I will never ride a roller coaster that goes upside-down.  I hate roller coasters because I am proudly that boring friend that will pay forty dollars to enter the park and only go on the merry-go-round just so she can spend time with her friends.

8. Ride/Drive a Motorcycle
Motorcycles scare me because I fear that a reckless driver is going to hit the bike.  I will never drive a motorcycle or be a passenger on one.  No matter how much faith I have in the machine or the driver, I will not be able to trust ignorant motorists that do not know how to handle being on the road with motorcycles.

9. Shoot a Gun
I could never picture myself shooting a gun because the sight of guns scares me a little.  I would love to go the rest of my life without picking up a gun or shooting it.  I have no problem with hunting--I'm from Vermont, I am so used to everyone doing it.  I have nothing against gun ownership for the purposes of hunting, but I could never feel comfortable being the one handling the gun.

10. Hook Up With Someone Random
Whether you define a hook-up as a make-out or as something more, I assure you that I will never do it.  I cannot comprehend how people go out or go to parties, meet someone, and then hook up with them.  I do not understand why random make-outs happen and I will never completely understand the concept of a one-night-stand.  I would never do this because I cannot separate emotion from these acts.  It might just be me, but I do not approve of going about affection in this way.

11. Get Addicted to a Television Show
I have certain shows that I love, and I will certainly watch the entire series (looking at you, "30 Rock" and "Parks and Recreation").  I will watch them in their entirety when the series is cancelled or it ends.  I do not have the time or interest that is required to watch a show religiously, tuning in every week.  If I missed one, I would probably have some major F.O.M.O.  Therefore, I will watch entire seasons of a show at a time, but I will not watch the show when it plays on a weekly basis.

12. Go to Antarctica
One of the items on many bucket lists is visiting all seven continents.  Where I live, -20 is not an unheard of temperature.  I hate being cold and there is nothing that could ever make me want to go where it is any colder than a Vermont winter.

So there it is, my anti-bucket list.  Things I could easily go without for the rest of my life.  Enjoy my lack of ambition, or rather, my decisiveness towards what I certainly do not want to do.

How to Stay Single: Guaranteed Results

Something I have become increasingly talented at in the past few months is being single.  I watch all my friends find boyfriends and get young men to chase after them while I sit at home and do homework.  They wonder aloud why I am not in a similar situation with suitors lining up at the door.  Why do I not have boys constantly falling in love with me?  Why am I not wanted so badly by all the hot bachelors on campus?
To answer the pressing questions on everyone's minds, I am single because I follow these wonderful steps to guarantee my continued lack of a relationship.  If you want to stay single, even if you are allegedly "pretty", "funny", or "smart" according to your friends, then I have the advice for you.

1. Do Not Party/Drink
In college, your peers all drink and go out to parties.  They want to loosen up and have a good time.  This is strictly advised against if you do not want a relationship.  If you want to stay single, stay sober and in your room.  Read a book or write a blog instead of going out and dancing on strangers with your water bottle of vodka.

2. Dress Conservatively
All those cardigans your grandmother gave you for Christmas will not be wasted if you want to be single.  Wear these with tank tops that are high enough to cover your entire chest; the higher, the better.  Pair this with jeans that are slightly faded, but most certainly not skinny or dark-wash.  Wear your hair in a banal fashion and apply minimal makeup.  Your natural face is the way to go if you do not want anyone after you.

3. Do Not Talk to Any Guys
Avoid talking to any young man that is not your gay best friend or brother.  If you do not socialize with members of the opposite sex, you will not find a boyfriend among them.  If you avoid these creatures at all costs, then you will most likely be safe from the danger that is having a significant other.

4. Wear Your Glasses
Glasses are so overrated.  Everyone thinks the look is coming back with hipster fashion becoming so popular.  Glasses are actually boy-repellent.  Wear your glasses and avoid wearing contacts whenever possible, because it is better to be immediately written off as a nerd than to be immediately documented in a young gentleman's mind as an attractive, available female.

5. Avoid Eye Contact
Nothing sparks relationships more than making eye contact.  Eye contact leads to smiles.  Smiles lead talking.  Talking leads to relationships.  To completely ensure your single status, be sure to avoid any guy who dares to make eye contact with you.  Be sure to keep your head down at all times and only look up when you hear voices that you recognize that are trying to get your attention.  Be sure to avoid all other eyes as you respond to those people you already know.

6. Never Share Anything Personal
The more superficial you present your personality to be, the greater chance you have of never making an emotional connection with someone.  Without doing so, you will be able to prevent attraction better than the average person that makes the mistake of talking about themselves.

7. Avoid Social Interaction at All Costs
Tired of being in public and having men after you?  Tired of having your friends say that there is someone they know that would be just perfect for you?  Avoid all this troublesome nonsense and limit your social interaction not only with men, but your girlfriends as well.  The less time you spend with people, the less likely you are to find yourself permanently stuck with someone.

8. Become Unresponsive to Flirting Techniques
"You look beautiful" "Oh, thanks, I guess".  "You are very funny" "Yeah".  "We should hang out more often" "No, I'm busy then".  This one is self-explanatory.  If you do not want anyone wasting your time flattering you or complimenting you, brush that nonsense off.

I hope these techniques help you in your pursuit to stay single.  As long as you avoid people, avoid talking, and try not to look attractive, then you will most likely be lucky enough to accomplish maintaining your single status.  If for some reason you fail and accidentally find someone chasing after you, good luck with that too.  I guess it can't be the worst thing in the world.

How to Find the Perfect College: Just Kidding, You're Doomed

When I was in Second Grade, we had a project where we wrote about our dreams.  We picked a dream and posted our dream on a star out in the hallway.  As a seven year old child, my dream was to get a scholarship and go to college.  I wrote that on my construction-paper star and put it on the wall next to all the other poorly cut-out stars. My peers dreamed of becoming ballerinas or doctors or baseball players.  I dreamed of a high education and not having to pay for it.  My dreams have always been pretty realistic, even from a young age.  I should be very proud of myself, because ten years later I was accepted to all six colleges I applied to and received scholarships of varying amounts from each one.
We dream to go to college and we dream to not have to pay a fortune for it.  We dream of a higher education and of having that college experience.  But how do you know you will pick the right college?  How do you know you are going to like it?
I went to countless seminars and read articles on a daily basis about picking the right school.  I did all my research and worked very hard to assure myself that I was on the right track to picking the perfect school for me.  These articles and seminars promise that you will be able to find a college that you will love.  You attack that overwhelming process of touring schools, filling out applications, and reading up on the schools with a positive attitude.  Unfortunately, you soon realize how hard it will be to really know which school is right for you.
You will know what the campus looks like.  You will know what majors and minors are available.  You will know how big classes are, if the school is religious, how many students there are, and about all the clubs that are listed on their websites.
What you do not know about is how you will like it there and how you will fit in on campus.  You do not know what parties will be happening.  You do not know how many people are drinking or if your neighbors across the hall will be smoking marijuana.  You do not know what kind of people attend the school.  You can get an understanding of how many games the hockey team will win and how much your professors will be able to help you if you are struggling, but you will have no idea what to expect socially.
I am a victim of college websites, seminars, and tour guides not telling me what I needed to know.  I am a victim of not learning what questions to ask.  I am a victim of being sheltered from the information I needed to understand in order to be well informed about choosing my college.
If I had known about what the social life was like at my college, I can guarantee that I would never have chosen this school.  Every single weekend there are loud parties with music and drinking.  I smell marijuana too often and every Saturday when I wake up, the path to the cafeteria is strewn with empty beer cans.
One of the reasons I chose the school I did was because I am Catholic and I wanted to go to a Catholic school.  I wanted to be able to stay on campus to go to church and I wanted a school with religious values and a large number of Catholic people.  What going to this Catholic school really means is that you have to walk a mile to the church in the freezing cold on Sundays to see the same twenty people at church.  It means you have to take two religion courses that do not even focus on Catholicism as part of your core classes.  It does not mean that there will be a lot more Catholic people than normally, and it certainly does not mean that the students will live by Catholic values.
Nobody tells you that everyone will drink.  I figured when I came to college, only about half of the people or so would drink.  I can count on one hand the people I know that do not drink at all.  I absolutely hate being around drunk people and I do not like parties at all.  I cannot stand being around people who are loud and incoherent.  I detest dancing in a room where I cannot move due to the number of people in the tiny room.  I was not informed that I would be expected to attend these parties and enjoy them.
Nobody told me that I was supposed to take the social aspect of college into consideration equally as much as the academic aspect.  Although "nobody" told me, I do not even have a someone to blame.  I cannot blame the colleges.  They would never want to advertise the amount of underage drinking and how they have campus police ignore it for our "safety".  I cannot blame the seminars because they were geared towards the parents, telling them to look for academically strong colleges that their children would be able to thrive in.  I cannot even blame myself, because I was told by every source to focus on academics and that I would find the right social groups by just being myself.  I was told that I would find people that were like me just by being at college.  I can certainly assure you that I have not.  I have friends. In fact, I have some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for.  I love them so much, but they are not the types of friends I thought I would make.  I thought I would find a bunch of people like me, but I did not.  I thought I would thrive in the college I picked, because I would thrive anywhere...right?  At least that is what I was told...

Why Do Girls Not Like Nice Guys?

Sometimes I find inspiration mid-conversation for blog posts that I could work on.  I will take notes, stick the notes to my refrigerator with a magnet I found inside the washing machine in the laundry room, and when I feel inspired, write on the subjects.  The latest thought I scribbled down was "Why do girls not like nice guys???".  I wrote this down when one of my friends complained about guy that she had been recently talking to.  They both were aware of the fact that they were interested in each other, but had yet to act on those feelings.  He was persistently texting her and asking to have lunch or dinner with him as soon as we returned to school from Winter Break.  My friend  became irritated with him and started complaining.  She said that the fact that he kept insisting on seeing her was annoying.  She then went on to say that she hated when he complimented her personality and how he never stopped talking about how kind she was and how intelligent she was.
Just as I was about to speak up and express how I was appalled by what she had just said, my other friend joined in and said "I can't stand when guys do that".  These girls hate it when guys try to make plans with them and constantly compliment them on their personalities.  Just let that sink in for a moment...
First of all, these are not the first girls that I have heard claim that they are annoyed by guys that try to make plans and compliment them and their personalities constantly.  This is merely the most recent example that I have heard.  In fact, I have heard countless peers make similar claims about how they feel towards these types of guys.
Second, before I even get into how unbelievable this all is, I should give a brief background on my experience with guys.  The one guy I have actually been with never made the plans and almost never complimented me.  I made all the plans and I did not receive compliments unless I complained about feeling inadequate.   I find it fortunate that I finally realized how this was not acceptable.
Maybe it is the fact that I have not experienced a guy actively chasing after me, trying to make plans with me, or constantly complimenting me.  Maybe it is the fact that my expectations are incredibly low in the guy-taking-charge-and-participating-in-the-relationship department.  Whatever it is, I cannot understand why girls would not want a guy that tries to make plans with them or that compliments them.
Why would these girls not want to spend time with these guys?  They are interested in them and I would assume they want to see them.  So why are they annoyed by the fact that the guy is taking charge and trying to arrange this?
Additionally, as far as the compliments go, they are personality based.  These are not based on looks or anything superficial.  I can understand a girl being upset with a guy only complimenting her physical appearance, but personality compliments should be completely welcome.
My sympathy is with the poor guys on this subject.  They are told that women want them to take charge in relationships and that women need to be treated with respect and kindness at all times.  Trying to find time to spend with the girls they are interested in, where there is mutual attraction, is respectful and kind.  Complimenting a girl's personality is also a perfect example of this respect and kindness.
Too often I see girls being treated terribly in relationships.  The guys expect the girl to take charge, make all the plans, and not be expectant of any compliments.  A guy that would make time for a girl he cares about and takes time to formulate compliments in a way that boosts her self-esteem would be a blessing to any girl, at least he would be in my opinion (my backwards, unusual opinion according to these types of girls).
Moreover, since these guys are doing exactly what they are supposed to do, how are they supposed to understand where they went wrong in the relationship/flirtationship? (flirtationship meaning that they are both interested in each other and are aware of it, but the relationship is not defined yet).  If a girl is annoyed by this behavior, how is he supposed to understand why?  Being kind is not usually a problem, but if it was, what should they do to fix it?  Not try to see the girl?  Not compliment her?  Is he wrong for being kind to her and showing her verbal affection?
My inner spinster is coming out right now and I will admit that I would love to be in this kind of situation with a guy.  To have a someone interested in me, who actively makes plans with me, that compliments me on my personality, would be ideal.  I cannot possibly imagine ever finding these qualities annoying.
I think nice guys should not be wasting their time with girls that are annoyed by their kindness.  A guy that takes time for a girl and puts thought into the way that he expresses his admiration towards her is hard to come by.  This rare type of guy should not be spending time with a girl that is not able to see how wonderful he is.  He should be investing his time in a relationship where the girl is appreciative of his efforts.

If I Hosted Saturday Night Live

The actors behind Saturday Night Live absolutely amaze me.  To be able to perform flawlessly in front of not only a live studio audience, but millions on live television is unthinkable to me.  The fact that all of the acting is comedy based and breaking is not a common occurrence is remarkable.  I find this to be fascinating because I have a hard time keeping a straight face even telling a joke.  I have always been a fan of theater, so bringing that to live television and mixed with my favorite genre, comedy, makes Saturday Night Live one of my favorite shows.  I have considered for years what I would do if for some reason I was given the opportunity to host the iconic show.
First of all, I would open with my monologue.  Many celebrities talk about their upcoming projects that they are promoting.  Others, usually comedians, do some stand up comedy.  The rest usually resort to some sort of comedic song that relies a lot on the other cast members.  I cannot sing at all, so a song is out of the question.  I feel like I would tell a series of short jokes in a Demetri Martin style.  After that, the most difficult part of the evening, was over, I would proceed to my celebrity impressions and characters.
For my celebrity impression, I would do Aubrey Plaza.  I have a naturally low voice like she does and I would speak with a negative disposition and have banal mannerisms.  I would wear a wig, have heavy eyeliner, dark lips, and not smile at all.  I would act as Aubrey Plaza on "Bein' Quirky with Zooey Deschanel" segment that Saturday Night Live does.  I would work alongside "Zooey Deschanel" and "Michael Cera" who are my two favorite actors, so it would work perfectly.  I enjoy their quirkiness and I will admit that I have a crush on Michael Cera (I hear your judgement, I accept it, I understand why, but I don't care).  Zooey would have me on the show to do an interview of sorts and possibly a craft.  I would explain my boredom with the entire idea and find ways to exaggerate Aubrey's negative disposition that she displays as April Ludgate on "Parks and Recreation".  I would love to play her because she is an idol of mine and I love her deadpan humor, which is my favorite style of comedy.
Another segment that I would love to be a part of would be Weekend Update.  My favorite part of Weekend Update is when Bobby Moynihan comes on to play Drunk Uncle.  He is absolutely hilarious with his glass of scotch, ugly sweater, and commentary on kids today with their iPods and tweeting.  I would love to play Drunk Uncle's ex-wife.  She would also be drunk and make similar comments that Drunk Uncle makes.  She would wear ugly clothing like him and have graying hair.  The two would drunkenly insult each other and make comments towards the other's drinking habits.  Drunk Uncle is one of my favorite recurring characters on the show so playing his wife would be so much fun for me to do.
I am sure that I would be placed in a few more skits, but I would definitely want to play Aubrey Plaza and interact with "Zooey Deschanel" and "Michael Cera".  I would also love to work with Bobby Moynihan, one of my favorites on the show and do something with "Drunk Uncle".
Of course, I will never host Saturday Night Live.  It is fun to think of what I would do if I had the opportunity, but one must be realistic.  I may never host it, but if I ever needed to, I would know exactly what to do.

What I Learned During My First Semester in College, Not Academically Speaking

My first semester of college was absolutely crazy.  I learned so much in the classroom, but one could argue that I learned more outside of the classroom.  I became a lot more "street smart" this semester and was able to catch up on some parts of my social education that I somehow missed in High School without realizing it.  I might as well give an overview of those lessons because they are nearly as important as the formal education I am receiving at college.

1. Not Everyone is Drinking, But Almost Everyone Is
I expected a few people to drink when I came to college.  I knew there would be a few parties and maybe about half of the people would drink and about a quarter would get drunk.  I have no idea what the statistics really are, but they are definitely much higher.  I have never had more than just a sip of alcohol in my entire life.  Meanwhile there are people in my building who get drunk in the middle of the day if they don't have classes.  I try my best not to judge because it is their life, not mine.  While I do not judge, I do have one statement to make on the subject.  Go and get drunk if you want, it's your life.  However, if I can year your obnoxious yelling or any of your loud party music above my headphones when I am watching Parks and Recreation on Netflix, we have a problem.

2. I Do Not Need a Huge Purse
In High School I carried a purse that was big enough to carry pens, lotion, hand sanitizer, a nail file, a wallet, lip-stain, a smaller purse, papers, checks, a water bottle, tissues, and a snack.  I would play games with my sister and friends to see if anyone could guess all the items in my purse, but they usually got stuck when there were band-aids, paperclips, and hair ties still siting in the bottom.  I have now consolidated everything into a very small Vera Bradley wristlet which can hold a cell phone, three credit cards, an ID, a little cash, and coins.  I am able to carry my license, student ID, credit card, and money with me at all times and I have a small bottle of sanitizer hanging around the key-ring with my suite and dorm key.  I have never found myself in a situation where I would rather have that big bulky purse than that wristlet.  I have everything I need in the small accessory and it is much better than carrying around a bag that could fit a small dog.

3. Roommate Conflicts are Inevitable
I have seen it happen to roommates during the first week and I have seen roommates that are best friends argue.  When you sleep only eight feet from someone you just met a couple months prior, conflicts happen.  To be completely honest, my roommate and I did not get along at all at first.  She annoyed me and complained and I annoyed her and complained right back.  I am a scatterbrain and she rearranges the pictures on her wall and organizes her desk on a regular basis.  She is always hot and I am always cold.  We fought at first and worked through many conflicts.  It was very difficult to do and my grades suffered.  I wanted to go home, and when she did, it was wonderful for me.  Over time, we put everything on the table.  We talked through all our issues instead of bottling them up.  We called each other out issues that bothered us and as a result, we found peace and friendship.  I now consider my roommate one of my best friends.  I can tell her anything and I am free to be myself around her.  Roommate conflicts are inevitable but friendships are not.  If you argue with your roommate, congratulations: you are normal.  If you move past those arguments and become friends, then congratulations: you are extremely lucky.

4. Long Distance Doesn't Work (For Most)
Most couples will break up very soon after separation, but some will stay together.  What is the difference between those few that stay together and those many that fall apart? Communication.  Communication is key in every single situation.  It is important in roommate conflict resolution and it is important in long distance relationships.  If your boyfriend/girlfriend is not responding to your communication attempts, it is a red flag.  If it takes them two weeks to respond to your breakup message because they were too busy ignoring you, it is the biggest sign that you made the right decision.

5. Your Weight Can and Will Change
Fortunately for me, I did not gain the Freshman Fifteen: I lost it.  Unfortunately for many of my peers, they fell victim to the cliché and now stretch the limits of their jeans and wear leggings and yoga pants much more often.  A few of my friends gained some weight and a few lost it.  It is all due to a change in diet and exercise routine.  Why does this happen?  Many people see college as the freedom to order pizza, drink lots of alcohol, and stop going to the gym.  Others see it as an opportunity to eat the healthy food available in the cafeteria and use the gym that comes free with that $40,000 tuition.  During your first semester, your weight will probably change because your routines will change.  It is up to you to decide if you will gain or lose it.

6. You Dress Like a Slut on Halloween and That is Socially Acceptable
For Halloween, I was Kim Possible.  For a quick refresher course in 2000's Disney cartoons, she's just your basic, average girl, here to save the world.  She had bright orange hair that was very large, had brown lips, and her outfit of choice for fighting crime was a revealing black top with green cargo capri pants (from Club Banana, of course).  I decided to take this on as my Halloween costume.  I found a black cheerleader crop top that revealed my entire stomach and only spared my arms and chest in its conquest to show my body to the world.  I also bought extremely short green shorts with cargo pockets because they looked much better than pants.  I looked like a total slut.  The feminist part of me was very ashamed for what I wore, but the teenager who finally felt confident in her body for the first time in two years had a proud victory that day.  I was encouraged by my peers and they loved my costume with teased orange hair and revealing outfit.   Halloween is the get-out-of-being-called-a-slut-no-matter-how-trashy-you-look holiday on college campuses.

7. You Can Exist in One Square Mile for Weeks on End
Before college, this simple concept seemed impossible.  Spending more than just a few days in a square mile of space would seem very unusual because I have to drive about ten miles before I can access anything.  At college I have my home, my friends, my food, my classes, my gym, and my social events all on this tiny campus of about a square mile.  It is possible and while an unusual concept, I do not mind it one bit.

8. Leggings are the Best Invention Ever
When I was in High School, I thought girls that wore leggings and yoga pants in public were girls that were either trying too hard to show off their flat butts in something that would flatter it, or giving up on life.  I realized that wearing soft clothes in public is actually fine.  Leggings look amazing on almost every figure and they are much more comfortable than any pair of jeans.  When they are worn tastefully, they look great.

9. Relationships are Not Formally Defined
I read a lot of classics like Jane Eyre.  I have an affinity for the courtship customs of past centuries.  A guy would be a lot better off asking me to become his girlfriend than asking me to "hang" or "chill" several times and then become "kinda sorta a thing" with me.  This new concept of DTR (defining the relationship) sounds stressful and I do not even need to do it.  When I was asked out when I was fifteen years old, it was specific and the relationship was defined in the form of a question.  I appreciated that and although it sounds juvenile, I would like that to happen to me again someday.  Of course, I would have to know the guy pretty well beforehand.  He would have to be a friend or someone I had hung out with a few times to got to know first.  This new relationship culture of just being "kinda sorta a thing" seems so confusing and unecessary.  I like knowing what is going on around me, and being in a flirtationship like that would be so confusing and annoying in my opinion... but who knows? It's probably better than being single.

10. You Learn Who Your Real Friends Are
In High School, I had many friends.  There was not any concept of popularity due to the size of my school (we had seventy seven students in the entire school).  I got along with everyone and while I had some frienemies, I was perfectly content with my friendship circle.  After High School ended, I knew that one of my best friends who I have texted constantly since 2009 would stick around, but I was afraid another would fade away.  Instead of the drifting apart that I feared, we kept in touch and now she drives me home for vacations from college.  I even stayed at her college one weekend recently.  When I went to college, I learned who cared enough to keep in touch and who I cared about enough to stay in contact with.  I have my two friends from High School that I still consider my best friends.  When I left High School, I did not have as many true friends as I thought I did, but I realized how close I was with the two I had.

I Fall in Love

I fall in love daily with the smallest aspects of life.  I am constantly fixating on the smallest parts of  my daily interactions and experiences.  I crush on the simple and daydream over the norm.  I fall in love every single day.

I fall in love with glasses.  The way they frame a man's face to make it dignified and distinguished.  Thick pieces of wire that outline eyes like picture frames over works of art are my weakness.  They give a sophisticated look to an ugly face and add an intelligent aspect to a handsome face.  They bring beauty to imperfect eyes.

I fall in love with accents.  The accent can be a charming British accent or a rough Irish one.  The slightest hint of a Boston accent or southern twang makes me melt.  Even Canadian accents or dialects from New England are beautiful.  The slightest changes in the way letters roll off the lips contain both intriguing mystery and distinctive cultural identity.

I fall in love with clothing.  A man who wears a suit and looks out of place is a picture of misplaced formality.  A man that wears a suit and carries himself in a way that inspires confidence wears that suit correctly.  A man who carries himself in this same confident way wearing a graphic tee and worn jeans is more sophisticated than a man forcing himself to wear a suit when he is not confident enough.  Clothing of any kind, worn correctly on the right man, is irresistible.

I fall in love with scent.  A man walks by and the slightest breeze is felt across the face, just enough to show that someone passed by.  That slight breeze is filled with a scent that cannot be explained by any perfume company.  It is not found in a bottle, body wash, or deodorant.  Some men naturally smell intoxicatingly wonderful and it is awe inspiring.

I fall in love with lyrics.  When a man sings of love and expresses feelings through song, those feelings are translated into the listener's own experiences and situations.  The love and heartbreak found in the lyrics of love songs are reminders of hidden emotion. Those lyrics are reassurance that those emotions can be released freely without judgment, because everyone goes through them.

I fall in love with smiles.  The way a man's cheeks move back to form lines that outline his mouth.  Sometimes a few dimples form and the motion reveals a slight grin.  The grin opens up to show teeth, often followed by a short chuckle or humored exhale.  The playful expression emerging from a brooding face shows sensitivity behind tense, judgmental faces.

I fall in love with religious symbols.  A cross hanging on a gold chain around a man's neck shows spirituality and commitment to faith.  It represents the strength in a being greater than himself.  It reflects the wearer's willingness to be humble and recognize what is more important than himself or his daily life.

I fall in love with teasing.  A man that has a clever way of crafting playful insults and delivering them lightly with a smirk is attractive for his intelligence and wit.  He is able to snidely comment in such a way that the recipient of it is not insulted, but is able to laugh along in the process.

I fall in love with confident mannerisms.  A frankly stated comment in a deep, confident voice shows that the speaker is self-assured.  Speaking in this dignified way inspires everyone who hears to view the speaker as a man of importance.  It shows that he can inspire and lead.  The confident voice accompanied by a charming smile shows a man that knows what he wants and needs.

I fall in love daily.  I fall in love with sights, sounds, scents, and emotion.  I fall in love with smiles, tears, songs, paintings, and people.  I fall in love constantly, repeatedly, and unceasingly.

Dear Michael Rochester,

Anyone who knows me well knows that Jane Eyre is my absolute favorite book.  It is about feminism, independence, and love, all set in England.  Basically, Charlotte Brontë took all of my favorite subjects and wrapped them into one beautiful book.  I am a romantic who cannot get enough of the fictional autobiography.  My ideal man is a modified version of  Edward Rochester.  "Rochester" is my Astronaut Mike Dexter.  He is my ultimate man who cannot be possible, but if he was, I would marry him on the spot.  In summation, my perfect man would be a cross between Rochester and Michael Cera.  He would have the brooding face of Rochester but with a goofy smirk when humored like Cera.  He would know how to be quick witted but would have an adorable laugh.  He would be dignified, yet awkward.  Unfortunately, considering both men, he would not be attractive, but in all honesty, that does not matter at all to me.  I never really considered attractiveness part of my requirements for any men.  It is something that does not matter even a little to me.  If I can find a man who can make me laugh and be a passionate romantic who is as delightfully as awkward as I am, he can be the ugliest man alive because I will not care.  It seems cliché and insincere because it is what everyone claims until they actually come to considering dating someone very unattractive and find the idea unappealing.  I would actually not mind and I admit to having crushes on some ugly guys with wonderful personalities.  If there is a guy out there who meets my quirky requirements but happens to be extremely ugly, I cannot wait to meet you, because we will fall in love.
While my "perfect" man may not be possible, one can dream.  If I were to invent the perfect guy for me, he would have the previously mentioned qualities, and also a few others...
1. He would be Catholic.  I want someone of the same religion who shares the same values as me.  I believe that having the same religion as someone is very important because you will have similar values and be able to raise your children in that religion without any disagreements about what they should be taught about spirituality.
2. He would be healthy.  By this I mean that he would be physically active and eat healthy foods.  I believe that health is important and that it is a gift that should be preserved.  If one is blessed with good health, one should do their best to maintain it, and if one is less fortunate, they should do everything in their power to be as healthy as they can possibly be despite their circumstances
3. He would like the same music I like.  I have an odd palate when it comes to music but post-grunge alternative with some bubble-grunge mixed in as well as some new indie music mixed in seems to be the best way to describe my eclectic taste.  It has taken me years to find this perfect mix of music that I love, and I would love to share that with someone else.
4. He would be a cat person.  I will admit it, I am not a dog person.  The moment I mention this, it makes me seem like I am heartless and cruel because I do not love "man's best friend".  I dislike dogs for the same reason that people dislike cats: their personalities.  I like how independent cats are and while the friendliness of dogs is charming, I do not like it.  I also do not like their smell, fur, or drool.  My perfect man can be a dog person, but he must also be a cat person.
5. He would know how to make me laugh.  Who else loves deadpan, dry humor and Austin Powers style run-on puns?  Any takers?  My perfect man would need this style of humor mixed with wordplay, sarcasm, and witty comebacks.  I know this sense of humor when I see it, even though for the majority of the time, I only hear it from my own mouth.
6. He would have a job that he is passionate about.  I judge guys right now by their major and I assume that in a few years I will judge them by their jobs.  I want a guy who has a job he is passionate about that makes sense.  If I find a man who has a business degree, I want him to be passionate about his sales, the advertising, and his company.  I don't want him to sit at a desk answering phone calls in a monotone voice, depressed about his job.  If he wants to teach, I want him to engage his students in the course material and be passionate about their learning and success.  I don't want him to follow the curriculum and get the through the course with minimal effort.  If I find him working at the FDA where I intend to work, I want him to be actively working to make changes like I will be and to have a reason, like I do, to want to work in the industry.
7. He will want to explore the world around him.  He will have the desire to leave his surroundings for new experiences.  He will have left his hometown to go to college and want to explore other places.  He will want to travel and find new destinations in order to experience the world outside his backyard and he will see the importance of doing so to gain knowledge about other cultures.
8. He would be French or French Canadian.  Being an estimated 85% French Canadian with every grandparent having French Canadian roots, I would like someone who understands the quirks of that often undefined culture.  Someone who understands canning fresh vegetables from the garden in July.  Someone that eats pickles with their Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter dinners.  Someone that knows the importance of being able to bake anything from scratch, especially quiche, pies, and fluffy pastries.  Someone who understands my outwardly pessimistic world view even though I am generally optimistic.  Someone who avoids confrontation but knows how to end an argument and come to quick solutions peacefully.  I would need someone who understands my complex culture, because unlike other cultures that are stereotyped as loud or extreme, not many know about French Canadian culture.  We are the quiet ones and my perfect man would understand the quiet yet interesting background I come from.
9. He would want many kids and be the perfect father.  As I have said before, I know that I am born to be a mother and my children would need a perfect father.  I want at least four children and I would need a man who would want the same number or more.  I would need a man that was good with children, loving, and caring.  He would be patient and gentle with his children and be a natural parent.  He would have a fatherly personality to begin with and then find his purpose in life with the arrival of his children.

While not every quality on this list is possible, it is a basic outline for my perfect man.  If he met the majority of these, he would be "perfect" for me.  The perfect man is not possible, but I know I will find someone who is perfect for me.
In conclusion...
Dear Michael Rochester,
I know you are out there somewhere.  Feel free to find me whenever it is time.  I will love you so much when you come into my life.
Love, Jess

An Open Letter to 16 Year Old Jess

Dear Jess (or you prefer Jessica right now, don't you?),
There is so much I want to tell you and that I want to help you with.  You are so confused, so naive, and so dramatic.  I am still all three, but I have a little more experience to back it up.  There are a few things I would like to give you advice about, and I hope you really take them and pay attention to them.
1. Regarding that nerd you have attached to your hip: it is so easy to fall in love, but it is also perfectly normal to fall out of love.  It is a natural part of life and it does not mean you are a bad person or that you failed.  Everyone changes, but for now, enjoy yourself because you will have some wonderful memories.  Please just try not to take anything too seriously, because nobody ends up with their High School sweetheart.  This is a learning experience, so have fun, but please do not let yourself get too tied down.
2. Regarding everyone else you try your hardest to please: this is in reference to your peers.  In two years, there will only be two people from High School that you still talk to regularly.  Again, people change and relationships change, but the funny thing is that some people stay exactly the same.  Some people never developmentally leave High School.  Others feel way ahead of their peers, like you sure do.  In Middle School, you felt like you were at High School Maturity (and you were) and now you feel like you are at College Maturity.  Right now in college, I feel like I am at adult maturity, but it is alright because it is just who I am, and who you are.  So what I am trying to say is that you ARE more mature and you do understand life a lot better than you think you do and you certainly understand life better than the majority of your peers. Just remember that you unfortunately have to live in High School Land and deal with the drama that comes along with it.  Right now, you feel the need to please your peers in order to succeed, don't you?  While that is true to an extent, you need to focus a little less on pleasing them and a little more on finding success on your own.  Make more connections with your teachers because in the end, they are the ones that create opportunity for you.  As for the peers you try so hard to please, they are the ones that never leave High School Land.
3. Start your college search early.  I know it is very daunting and stressful, but start now.  Start visiting colleges now and get an idea of what you want because it will be even more stressful when you will have your deposit due in April 2013 and not even know where you are going to go in March 2013.  I can tell you right now that you will want to be far enough away that going home every weekend will be unreasonable, but it won't be too much of a pain to make the trip.
4. You are slightly behind in the technology game right now and you always have been.  Everyone got a laptop freshman year and a "real" phone in sixth grade.  Hate to break it to you, but unless you want to spend your own money on technology that will quickly become obsolete, you will just have to wait.  You will eventually be up to date on technology but it will just take a while.  Keep in mind, eighteen year old Jess is writing this from a laptop while checking her iPhone.  Also keep in mind that this Jess knows a lot of patience.
5. You are a huge advocate for positive body image right now and you will continue to be for many years.  You definitely are now and I can't see any of that changing.  I just want you to remember that no matter what, you are beautiful.  You are a nice little size six right now, but you will soon gain weight for seemingly no reason.  Just deal with it and try to be as healthy as you can.  Everything will work out in the end.  You will discover the secret to all your health problems and be able to fix them.  I would mention them to you now, however, figuring this out on your own will be a huge step for you and I can't just give that kind of knowledge away, can I?
6. Let your inner feminist out.  You are somewhat of a feminist but do not know it yet.  Don't let that nerd, your friends, society, or anybody else tell you any otherwise.  Do not let any sexist imbecile hold you back saying that feminism is stupid.  It most certainly is not and you will be able to find the happy medium between 1950's housewife and 1960's bra-burner.
7. Do not be afraid to wear your glasses.  You do not look bad in them.  You just need the right frames to work for your face and this century.  Again, you are beautiful no matter what (and it is a lot easier to see in your glasses than in your contacts).
8. You won't get that part in the play.  If you are wondering which one I am referring to, it is all except for one.  Yeah, I'm completely serious and it is absolutely ridiculous.  But don't worry about it because you are good at acting. You think you deserve those parts, and looking back, I know you deserved them too.  However, you will have that one part (in one of your favorite plays) and you will be amazing at it.
9. You will become one of your High School's superstars by your Senior year.  You will help dominate the school as every Senior class should. You are right to think "What will the school do when my class graduates?" because the 2013 Seniors do know the school better than anyone and they know how to keep traditions going better than any teachers or coaches do.  You will help carry those traditions, and remember that passing them onto Nicole is the best way to assure they will continue after you leave.
10. Finally, let yourself be happy.  You work so hard all the time and try to please everyone in your life.  While that is all well and good, you work to hard at it.  If there is just that one person you can't please, don't give them the time of day because they do not deserve it.  You deserve your happiness and the rewards that come along with hard work.  Be a leader and do your best to help everyone along the way, but do not waste your time helping people that do not help themselves.  Let yourself be happy and work to make that happen.  Do not get hung up on other people or perfection when it is unnecessary.  Just learn to live in the moment when it is appropriate because although the future comes quickly, you don't have any control over it.  You have never had control and you never will, so just live life and enjoy it for what it is.  Just be yourself, do your best, and be happy.
Love,
Jess

Why 2013 Was Actually Awful but Why I Choose to See the Silver Lining

Hey kids, time for a comprehensive list of all the parts of 2013 that were absolutely terrible aside from just the awful music that came out.  My life actually had a bunch of awful, stressful, and just plain bad events that happened.  For most of them, I am able to see them as a learning experience or something that can be turned around to be seen as something that is actually wonderful, but others were just horrible.  Unfortunately, nobody likes a pessimist.  Even my pessimistic jokes are not well received (I blame my audience) so I choose to see the silver lining whenever possible because I know it is what the people around me would like me to do.  I have always been a pessimist, and it is not because I am unhappy, but rather because I refuse to settle.  I am capable of being completely satisfied and happy, but I strive for perfection.  I would rather not lie to myself or anyone else by saying I am perfectly content when I am not, because although it will take a while, I eventually will be.  If I have even the slightest problem with something, I will fix it, because why settle when things could be better?  Why buy a phone case that anybody could have when you can order your own and make it perfectly geometrically symmetrical? Why listen to a song on Pandora if you have ten other stations that could have an even better song? Why buy a skirt if you might just be able to find a better one at a cheaper price?  Why take haphazard notes in class when they could be made color coded and orderly after class?  I am willing to go the extra mile to make things better, and I will go the extra mile to be optimistic about all the things that were awful about 2013 even though it would me much easier to be a pessimist.  So here it is, a list of everything that was terrible about 2013:

1. I Barely Read a Single Book
Alright, so this is not off to such a great start because I cannot possibly see anything good about not reading.  It was mostly due to the fact that I was extremely busy with getting ready for college and attending college as well as having a part time job.  By the time I actually have free time, I am too tired to focus on reading.  I promised myself I would read several books over Winter Break, but I have not even picked one up yet (which is pathetic on my part).  I remember telling people about the book I was "currently reading" last summer and it is still the book I am "currently reading".  So there's that... moving on...
2. I was Extremely Fat
I am going to come out and say how fat I actually was.  I, Jessica Bruso, will finally admit to the world just how bad I was.  At my heaviest, I weighed 163 pounds and was pushing the limits of my size 8 pants and owned a few pairs of pants and dresses in size 10.  The silver lining here is that I am no longer fat.  I have lost twenty five pounds and I am back in a size 6 where I belong.
3. I Had my Wisdom Teeth Extracted
This was extremely painful and my wisdom tooth caused me to get a cavity in one of my teeth that I have to have filled in a few weeks.  I guess the positive point in this is that the tooth with the cavity has no further damage than just that.
4. I Had to Make the Appointment for my Tonsillectomy
Technically, this will occur on the second of January 2014, but I felt the need to include it here because I suffered from my "cavernous" (as the doctor calls them) tonsils for years but 2013 was the year that they finally became so bad that removing them was deemed the only solution to the pain.  I guess the good parts are that I won't have nearly as much pain when I get colds and that it is technically happening in 2014. Technically.
5. I Have Celiac (Or Something Like It)
This was definitely the event of the year.  If my life were on the news, this would be considered "THE Story of The Year".  I can't eat anything at parties (last week at a Christmas party I only had vegetables with ranch and shrimp... for dinner).  I mostly dislike it because everywhere I go I have to be treated differently due to my dietary restrictions and nobody knows what I have so I have to explain it.  Then everyone gets sick of me talking about it because I do not realize when I am rambling or talking about it too much (because frankly, nobody cares about it but me).  Aside from the fact that I cannot eat anything, I did lose a lot of weight and I feel better than I ever have in my entire life.  Come to think of it, it is easier to see the bright side about this.
6. I am Single
To be completely honest, I AM happier now than I was when I was in a relationship.  The fact that I am single leaving 2013 but I was not when I entered it is somewhat sad to think about, though.  I now see how much happier I am, but in general, nobody wants to be alone.  However, I would rather be alone than be who I was with, but in general, I would not mind companionship.  I mean, who wouldn't?
7. I Had to Leave Home
It is a part of growing up, but moving away from my parents was extremely difficult.  It was terrible to say goodbye and see my mother cry.  I hated being away from them for so long and I already dread having to leave them again, even though it will only be for four weeks next time I go to college.  It makes me a stronger, more independent person, but honestly, I hate it.
8. In Summation, The Three Hardest Things I Have Ever Had to Do Occurred in 2013
The process of discovering I have Gluten Intolerance/making the switch to a gluten-free diet, dumping my first boyfriend, and leaving my parents were the hardest things I have ever had to do.  They all happened within the span of just a few months.  I guess in the end I am a stronger person.  I am definitely stronger than I ever have been.  I have learned how to manage my weight and my health as a result of learning about my Gluten Intolerance.  I have learned how to control my relationships by (finally) gathering the strength to leave someone that I was afraid to live without even though I was unhappy.  I learned how to take care of myself and all my responsibilities with nobody to give me reminders or encouragement.

With all things considered, 2013 was awful, and if I am being completely truthful, it was both the worst and best year of my life.  I lost everything and gained everything at the same time.  I lost all I knew and gained everything I now know.  I lost my securities and found my independence.  I lost my dependence on others for my happiness and learned how to be happy on my own.  I lost who I was and found who I am, and although that process was completely and utterly awful, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Some Questions on My Mind

Sometimes I feel like writing, but I have a complete lack of inspiration.  I will admit, sometimes I look up writing prompts online just to get the creative juices flowing.  I stumbled upon some particularly awful prompts this evening, but among those terrible results was a wonderful prompt that said "Begin a list of questions that you would like to have answered", and believe me, I have many, so here goes nothing.

1. Why is "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls such a perfect song? It is relatable and beautiful in every single way and I do not know why I can't get over it, so why is it so perfect?
2. Why are people so unaware of gluten intolerance even though nearly seven percent of people have it?
3. Why do female celebrities feel the need to show off their naked bodies in order to gain more attention? Where is the feminism?
4. Why is it acceptable to say "I hate cats" but the minute I say "I hate dogs" I am the most heartless individual that has ever walked the planet?
5. Why did I spend so many of my younger years thinking that I was going to eventually become famous for my singing or acting ability which is, to be perfectly honest, no more than slightly above average in the acting department and extremely below mediocre in the singing department.  
6. Why do I have a brain built to be an English teacher yet the desire to be a Nutritionist for the FDA?
7. What is the deal with country music and the fact that people either have an extreme affinity for it or an extreme hatred for it but nothing in between?... Better question: Why does anyone like country music?
8. If every Christmas movie ever made discusses the issue of children not believing in Santa, how do no children think to themselves, "Why so much doubt? He must not be real."?
9. Why are States not more unified in their laws regarding taxes, driving, marriage, etc?
10. Why was I treated terribly for the final three months of my last relationship without realizing it? And how was I not strong enough before to realize it?
11. If I am embarrassed of who I was just six months ago, what will I think of my present self six months from now?
12. Can someone be a feminist and a Catholic?
13. Why do smart comedies like "Arrested Development" that use intelligently crafted puns and snarky remarks towards societal structure get taken off the air but idiotic shows such as "The Big Bang Theory" that rely on character bashing receive the best ratings year after year?
14. Why are comfortable clothes not more socially acceptable? Why can't I just always wear leggings to work?
15. At what age is it no longer acceptable to drink all liquids exclusively out of bendy straws?
16. How do people go and get tattoos and not be extremely fearful? There is no eraser, so what if the artist makes a mistake?
17. Why do I spend late nights blogging instead of sleeping?

Dear Carter, Carmen, Caleb, and Madeline...

I have known for a very long time that I was meant to be a mom. I have a very "mom" personality as described by many of my friends.  Here at college, I am the "suite mom".  I will talk to anyone about any problem and I always have some advice to give.  I have a CVS card and know what medicines to take when, what foods to eat for any ailment, and how to listen.  I am naturally inclined towards motherhood, and I often find myself looking forward to those days.  I am definitely not ready for that life now, but I know that I will enjoy it more than anything when it is time.  I know much more about my family life future than my career future.  Because of this, I decided to write a letter to my future children.  I would like to have four kids if I can, and possibly more, but for the meantime I plan on four.  I might look back on this and say, "Wow, I can't believe I actually wanted four!" shortly after giving birth to my first, but then again I might look back and say "Wow, I thought I would only have four".  I might also be surprised to see what I include on the list and what I do not, but I am going to write it anyway.  I would like to be able to look back on it and see what I thought at the age of eighteen and hopefully my children will enjoy it.  So here it is, my open letter to my future children.

Dear Carter, Carmen, Caleb, and Madeline,
I am currently at Merrimack College.  I am a freshman and it is 2013.  I am one week away from completing the final exams for my first semester and am currently procrastinating with studying by writing this letter.  Maybe I will always procrastinate or maybe I am alright by the time you read this, but you are probably thinking to yourselves, "yeah, that's Mom".
I am writing you this letter in order to tell you a little about what I am like right now, what I want for you, and some life lessons I would like to teach you right now.
First of all, as you know, I grew up in Vermont, where Grandma and Grandpa (or whatever you call them) probably still live.  I am now at Merrimack College in Massachusetts, which is three hours, or 140 miles away from them.  I originally entered college as a Biology major, but I recently switched into Health Science with a concentration in Nutrition and a Biology minor.  My dream is to become a dietitian and work for the FDA and change the way allergens are labeled on food.  My plan is to go to graduate school in Maryland.  Who knows, maybe I will change my major and maybe I won't be living in Maryland, but for now, that is the plan.
If you are wondering about Dad, then I have no idea how to answer your questions about that.  Maybe I met him already, maybe I didn't.  He could be someone I know, or I might not meet him for a few years.  He could be living in the same building I am in right now, or he could be in Maryland.  All I know is that I look forward to meeting him, or if I already know him, to finding out just how much more he can mean to me than he does right now.
My hope for you is that you are happy.  I hope more than anything that you approve of me as a mother.  I know I will be strict sometimes, but I hope that I know how to have fun and that you love me.  I hope that when you look back on your childhood you will think to yourselves, "she really knew what she was doing".  I am sure I have trouble figuring out how to deal with some situations or how to help you, but just remember, I am learning how to be a parent just as much as you are learning how to be a son/daughter.
I hope that I am financially secure enough to send you to a Catholic school.  Catholicism is very important to me and it always will be.  Yes, I have always been that way.  I go to church every week and so will you.  My biggest hope for you is that you are sincere in your commitment to the Catholic church when you are Confirmed.  I want more than anything for you to be Catholic.  You can lose a lot in this world.  You can have no money, no friends, and no family, but you will always have the love of God.  You can be completely lonely, but you will always have Him to pray to and to help you through the hard times.  Thank Him for what you have been blessed with and always keep Him in mind.
I also hope that you follow your Catholic values and remember to treat everyone with kindness, equality, and love.  My hope is that the world you live in is much different than mine right now.  I hope racism and sexism are concepts of the past.  I hope that the world is more accepting of than it has been during my childhood and teen years.  I hope that you live in a world that has taken great strides towards equality.
Speaking of which, I would like to let you know about gender equality.  Right now, gender inequality is an embarrassment to society.  Women are depicted by the media as no more than objects of desire.  Women are seen as less competent than men, and no matter how strong a woman is in this world, she will not be taken as seriously by society as a man would be. I hope more than anything that you live in a world of complete gender equality.
Additionally, to my daughters, I want you to never feel influenced by any advertisement, magazine, or image that objectifies women.  Right now, images are photo-shopped and edited to the point where the models do not even look like themselves.  Anorexic women are made to look even thinner, and sadly, that is the concept of "beautiful" in 2013 society.  I hope that it never gets worse than it is right now.
I want to tell you right now that you are beautiful.  If you are underweight, overweight, short, tall, have the wrong hair, have unclear skin, crooked teeth, or anything you are self-conscious about, you are beautiful.  You have a brain that you think for yourself with.  You solve problems, form opinions, and I hope, speak your minds.  You are so much more than what you look like, and inner beauty means more than any physical beauty.
To my sons, please realize this.  All women are beautiful and you need to treat them with respect.  They need to be seen as equals, and it starts with your everyday life.  This means no sexist jokes, no stereotypical thoughts, and no viewing women as anything less than men.  I am sure you have been raised to always see everyone as equal, but this is just another reminder.
I would also like to speak to you all about your health.  I hope that each of you is very healthy and is doing everything in your own power to stay as healthy as possible.  Please eat healthy food (I am sure I will be able to help with that) and exercise regularly. Your health is everything: please preserve it to the best of your ability.
I would also like to take this letter as an opportunity to give you some life lessons and advice.  My life, like all lives, is a cautionary tale.  I hope you are around my age when you read this, so hopefully some of this advice is relevant.

1. Your heart will be broken.  You might be in a relationship as you read this, or you might be single.  Maybe you have experienced heartbreak already or maybe you have yet to experience it.  I thought at your age that I would be able to go through life without it, but that is simply not true.  Even if you are lucky in love, you will still have your heart broken.  You might not get into your dream college.  You might not get a part in that play.  You might make the Varsity team in your favorite sport.  That does not mean that you are anything less than absolutely amazing.  You will face heartbreak after rejection and that is a part of life.  However, I want you to trust me when I say you can talk to me about this.  You can talk to me about anything.
2. You have to work hard.  You won't be handed much in life.  It probably seems like there is always that one person who gets everything they want in life with minimal effort.  It seems that way because it is true.  Some people don't have to work hard because they are born into an easy life.  You will gain much more life experience by having to work hard for it and you will feel much more accomplished.  Life is not fair, but if you work hard, you will have a much greater chance of getting what you want.
3. Play an instrument.  Music is a way to be creative and de-stress.  It gives you a break from the world around you and by learning how to play an instrument, you will gain a fun skill. 
4. Express yourself.  Use the instrument you learned how to play to show your feelings through music.  Write a blog, like I am right now (I am aware you are probably thinking "Wow Mom, a blog? Really?").  Write down your feelings and thoughts.  Write a poem, a song, an essay, or a novel.  Draw, paint, or sculpt.  Express your feelings and give yourself an excuse to procrastinate on something that is stressing you out (just not for too long, though).
5. Take any opportunity to explore the world around you.  If you are able to travel the world, I want you to take that opportunity in order to learn more about other cultures.  Even if you are just exploring where you live.  Explore the nature around you or explore your city.  Get to know your surroundings.  You should be proud of where you came from, even if you don't want to stay there.  I am very proud of being a Vermonter, but I don't want to go back.  Be proud of your roots, but always remember to explore the rest of the world whenever possible.
6. Go to college three hours away from home.  You want to be close enough to home that if you really need to, you can come back, but you won't be home every weekend.  Also, if you get a scholarship of a substantial amount, go to that school (even if it goes against the three hour away advice).  Just don't come home every weekend.  I love you, but you need to be completely independent for six weeks before you come home.  It is one of the hardest experiences I have ever gone through at this point in my life, but I am a stronger person because of it, and I want you to do it too.

I hope this letter gives you an idea about what I want for you and maybe it helps a little with some life advice.  I know more than anything that I am a natural mom, and maybe you feel like you are meant to be a parent too.  Maybe you have that "mom" or "dad" factor, and please embrace it.  Please be nurturing, give your best advice, and do your absolute to leave the world better than you found it.  I love you.

~Mom

P.S. Here are some random quick facts about me, and I hope you enjoy them

1. I played tennis and was a cheerleader in high school.
2. I have been doing plays since I was in third grade and I have not stopped yet.
3. I went to England with Aunt Nicole when I was sixteen years old.  That is a good story, ask me about it some time.
4. I absolutely love cats.  I aim to be a crazy cat lady, so I apologize for the amount of cats currently living in the house right now if it is more than two or three.
5. I currently work at Hannaford's as a cashier and have since June 2011.
6. I am currently eating gluten free.  I have gluten intolerance, and I hope to grow out of it, but I feel healthier than ever right now due to my diet change.
7. I love chocolate but I can't stand any type of "candy" that is fruity, sugary, chalky, or sticky.
8. I am a Red Sox fan and I will always will be.  My favorite sports to watch are baseball and hockey (and I go to all the hockey games at Merrimack).
9. My favorite color is red.
10. I love science, am terrible at math, and I am proficient in writing.
11. I love to cook and bake.  I am terrible at cooking but I am usually successful with baking. I have not managed to make the perfect grilled cheese yet, but my first attempt at baking cinnamon buns was perfect.
12. I get very nervous and anxious easily, but I am working on it
13. My favorite song right now is "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls
14. My favorite food is sweet potato fries
15. I am an introvert and one of my favorite books is Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson.  I would like you to read it. My absolute favorite book is Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.  Read that one too. 

P.S.S. If you have no idea what you are doing right now, neither do I.  Pray and follow your heart.  Remember, you can always talk to me.