Wednesday, April 23, 2014
I Do Not Consume Food, It Consumes Me
Hunger consumes every single thought. My stomach aches, begging for something to eat. I silence it, for ignoring it will hopefully stifle its cries. I tried so hard to find food that was safe, but to my complaining stomach's dismay, I failed. No dairy, beef, gluten, cane sugar, eggs, soy... the list seems to expand in my mind whenever I try to recall it. I can never remember the complete set of culprits, these enemies that silently destroy me on the inside when they manage to infiltrate. My eyes scan labels like tiny robots, picking up on ingredients, evaluating the amounts of allergens in relations to the food, and calculating the risk of eating them. My lips taste orange juice mixed with mustard colored powder, taken through a shot glass and chased with warm water. My body aches all over: back pains of the past resurfacing and fatigue taking a toll on my mental function. My eyes are weary and barely open. My body feels weak and there is less of it each and every day. "You lost more weight" he says as he wraps his hand around my waist, nearly grasping my midsection entirely in his grip. I sigh. This time I did not intend to. The way the numbers on the scale drop is scary. I feel too thin, like my bone structure cannot handle walking. I no longer allow myself to exercise. I crave the bike. I want to plank and feel the sweat of hard work drip off my forehead. For now I am this skeleton of a creature I once knew, starving unintentionally. I want food, I need food, but try as I might, I cannot have it. Is this what an eating disorder feels like?
Monday, March 31, 2014
Beauty is Happiness
On May 11, 2013, I did not feel beautiful. This was the day of my Senior Prom. Although I made my nails look perfect the night before and spent nearly two hours getting my hair done in a curled up-do with fake flowers, I did not feel beautiful. I donned my gown and heels and took a look in the mirror. My face, free of blemishes, still did not look beautiful. My hair, pinned to perfection, did not look beautiful. My gown, which flattered my imperfect body, did not make me feel beautiful, neither did the corsage on my wrist nor the heels on my feet.
I was not told that I looked beautiful by anyone. I could not even say it to myself. I did not feel beautiful. The more I look back on events such as my Senior prom, I realize what beauty is. I was supposed to feel beautiful because I "looked beautiful". Every girl looks beautiful at Prom, right?
I discovered on that day that beauty is so much more than what is seen on the outside. While we all try to embrace that ideology and accept this as truth, most of us are completely unable to separate inner beauty from outward beauty.
I will say this: my inability to feel beautiful that day was not due to my inability to feel beautiful in general. I realized this fact last Friday night, nearly a year after the night of my Prom.
I spent nearly an hour preparing to go out to a party with a few of my friends. I put on an outfit that made me feel confident and my roommate did my makeup in a way that was subtle, yet alluring. I spent this time and prepared for the festivities happening at a party in my building, but my mind was changed.
I walked down the stairs of my suite into one of my roommate's rooms to talk before going out with my other friends. There I found her and two of her other friends, one old and one new. The latter caught my attention as I found him interesting and entertaining, and because of this, I decided to stay behind. I realized that I did not want to go to a party where I would be surrounded by strangers. I would much rather stay with this group, wear some more comfortable clothes, and have a quiet night in my own suite.
This small group of us talked, laughed, and connected. I felt the love of friendship and the caress of shared emotion embracing me. Soon, our conversations turned into a pillow fight. Slowly between two, then collectively among the four of us. I was laughing, smiling, and having the time of my life.
In that moment I felt beautiful. I was wearing yoga pants and an old sweatshirt from high school. My hair became a mess and I had fuzzy socks on. I was not beautiful on the outside, but for some strange reason, I felt it on the outside.
I was smiling like I hadn't smiled in a long time. I certainly did not feel this joy at Prom. This happiness is what translated into my feeling of beauty. I feel beautiful when I have a genuine smile on my face. This was the first time I had felt beautiful in a very long time.
Beauty comes from the inside. I always felt that this was the case, as I see outward beauty as being of little or no importance. I have always had this belief, but this was the first time I experienced living up to this value. I felt so beautiful in that moment because I was expressing happiness. My cheeks were raised to my squinting eyes and my mouth slightly opened as I revealed a toothy grin. In that moment of a pillow fight with friends, I felt beauty.
Beauty is not something on the outside. We can spend money on Prom dresses or spend time having our faces and hair made to look "beautiful", but that will never equate true beauty. True beauty is an emotion, not a label. I felt beautiful in a pillow fight, not in a gown. I will always feel more beautiful when I am smiling with friends than when I am "beautiful" on the outside.
I was not told that I looked beautiful by anyone. I could not even say it to myself. I did not feel beautiful. The more I look back on events such as my Senior prom, I realize what beauty is. I was supposed to feel beautiful because I "looked beautiful". Every girl looks beautiful at Prom, right?
I discovered on that day that beauty is so much more than what is seen on the outside. While we all try to embrace that ideology and accept this as truth, most of us are completely unable to separate inner beauty from outward beauty.
I will say this: my inability to feel beautiful that day was not due to my inability to feel beautiful in general. I realized this fact last Friday night, nearly a year after the night of my Prom.
I spent nearly an hour preparing to go out to a party with a few of my friends. I put on an outfit that made me feel confident and my roommate did my makeup in a way that was subtle, yet alluring. I spent this time and prepared for the festivities happening at a party in my building, but my mind was changed.
I walked down the stairs of my suite into one of my roommate's rooms to talk before going out with my other friends. There I found her and two of her other friends, one old and one new. The latter caught my attention as I found him interesting and entertaining, and because of this, I decided to stay behind. I realized that I did not want to go to a party where I would be surrounded by strangers. I would much rather stay with this group, wear some more comfortable clothes, and have a quiet night in my own suite.
This small group of us talked, laughed, and connected. I felt the love of friendship and the caress of shared emotion embracing me. Soon, our conversations turned into a pillow fight. Slowly between two, then collectively among the four of us. I was laughing, smiling, and having the time of my life.
In that moment I felt beautiful. I was wearing yoga pants and an old sweatshirt from high school. My hair became a mess and I had fuzzy socks on. I was not beautiful on the outside, but for some strange reason, I felt it on the outside.
I was smiling like I hadn't smiled in a long time. I certainly did not feel this joy at Prom. This happiness is what translated into my feeling of beauty. I feel beautiful when I have a genuine smile on my face. This was the first time I had felt beautiful in a very long time.
Beauty comes from the inside. I always felt that this was the case, as I see outward beauty as being of little or no importance. I have always had this belief, but this was the first time I experienced living up to this value. I felt so beautiful in that moment because I was expressing happiness. My cheeks were raised to my squinting eyes and my mouth slightly opened as I revealed a toothy grin. In that moment of a pillow fight with friends, I felt beauty.
Beauty is not something on the outside. We can spend money on Prom dresses or spend time having our faces and hair made to look "beautiful", but that will never equate true beauty. True beauty is an emotion, not a label. I felt beautiful in a pillow fight, not in a gown. I will always feel more beautiful when I am smiling with friends than when I am "beautiful" on the outside.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
On Writing Fiction: My Lifelong Mission
In 2008, I completed my first short story that I was actually somewhat proud of. Unfortunately, shortly after completing it, I destroyed it. As a young seventh grade twelve year old, I was very afraid of what people might think of my writing. I wrote a story about superheros, a juvenile but fun subject. I cannot remember what the main character's name was, but I do remember she had the power to control water. She had a psychic sister and the duo went to a school that taught them to use their superpowers in the best way possible. In the end, she and her classmates worked to save Times Square from dark forces that could only be stopped by their superpowers. I worked very hard to come up with the characters and the plot and when I was inspired, I wrote. I loved it.
Flash forward to 2010. I tried to harness the power of the pen and write fiction again. I decided I would try to start NaNoWriMo, also known as National Novel Writing Month. It is an insane writing challenge that occurs every November where participants write fifty thousand words (an entire novel) in just thirty days. I imagined a character and attempted to write about her. Her name was Ginger and she had red hair and she was an outcast like my superhero with water powers. I abandoned this project after less than a week and very few pages.
Flash forward again to 2014. I am trying yet again to write fiction. Unfortunately, I have such a hard time coming up with stories because all my characters end up the same. They are outcasts that are introverted and very different from their peers. They are all stuck in worlds that do not understand them. Moreover, they are cursed with a creator that abandons them in these unwelcoming, fictional worlds.
This author, confused by the world around her, tries to reflect her views of it through her writing. She attempts to recreate the world as she sees by putting these views into the first-person narratives she writes. She sometimes gives them superpowers and other times she only gifts them with red hair. Other times they remain nameless and are only featured in a simple paragraph that is eventually scrapped.
The only qualities that these characters have in common are that they are misunderstood and that their author quickly leaves them behind, moving onto different writing, whether it is academic, self-reflective, or in the form of meaningless tweets.
I have these ideas for characters that are based loosely on my life. These characters are introverted outcasts. Creative types with the dream to be understood, they are stuck in worlds where nobody understands them. Neither the fictional world around them nor their reckless creator is able to give them the attention that they deserve.
So I as a writer promise myself and these abandoned characters that I will one day complete a finished fictional piece. It will have an outcast character that is not understood, whether it is the main character or not, because it is the least my fictional muse babies deserve. One day I will do it for you, you beautiful creations that have emerged forth from my wild mind.
Flash forward to 2010. I tried to harness the power of the pen and write fiction again. I decided I would try to start NaNoWriMo, also known as National Novel Writing Month. It is an insane writing challenge that occurs every November where participants write fifty thousand words (an entire novel) in just thirty days. I imagined a character and attempted to write about her. Her name was Ginger and she had red hair and she was an outcast like my superhero with water powers. I abandoned this project after less than a week and very few pages.
Flash forward again to 2014. I am trying yet again to write fiction. Unfortunately, I have such a hard time coming up with stories because all my characters end up the same. They are outcasts that are introverted and very different from their peers. They are all stuck in worlds that do not understand them. Moreover, they are cursed with a creator that abandons them in these unwelcoming, fictional worlds.
This author, confused by the world around her, tries to reflect her views of it through her writing. She attempts to recreate the world as she sees by putting these views into the first-person narratives she writes. She sometimes gives them superpowers and other times she only gifts them with red hair. Other times they remain nameless and are only featured in a simple paragraph that is eventually scrapped.
The only qualities that these characters have in common are that they are misunderstood and that their author quickly leaves them behind, moving onto different writing, whether it is academic, self-reflective, or in the form of meaningless tweets.
I have these ideas for characters that are based loosely on my life. These characters are introverted outcasts. Creative types with the dream to be understood, they are stuck in worlds where nobody understands them. Neither the fictional world around them nor their reckless creator is able to give them the attention that they deserve.
So I as a writer promise myself and these abandoned characters that I will one day complete a finished fictional piece. It will have an outcast character that is not understood, whether it is the main character or not, because it is the least my fictional muse babies deserve. One day I will do it for you, you beautiful creations that have emerged forth from my wild mind.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
My Favorite Color
When I was five years old, I remember being asked what my favorite color was. I was in the car riding home. I cannot remember who was with me, who asked the question, or why I have this unusually vivid memory of a simple question, but I do remember my answer. As we passed down an old barn that had been converted into a preschool that was painted a maroon, I said "red". Red was my favorite color. loved the color of firetrucks and finger paints. The red I loved was the color of circles on a Twister mat, and of strawberries in June. I was certain of this fact, that I loved the color red.
When I started Kindergarten, I was asked by teachers and classmates what my favorite color was. I was the only girl in my class that said her favorite color was red. Why was I so alone for having this opinion? Why were there only boys that agreed with my affinity for this beautiful color? All the girls loved pink, purple and blue. I felt obligated to conform. Red became in my mind a boy's color, so why should I, a girl, like it? My new favorite color became purple, because as a girl, it was the right thing to do.
Us girls were told at a young age which colors we should like. My parents were obviously not going to try to make me find a new favorite color. It is something so simple and nearly meaningless, but if it was completely meaningless, would I remember it so clearly thirteen years later? Why did I feel the pressure to conform and agree with my female peers and choose purple as a new favorite color?
As a girls, we were told to have these opinions and to love these "girl" colors. We were taught to not love a color such as red. Red was the color of firetrucks. It was the color of blood, the blood that flowed when boys jumped off the swings and scraped their knees.
The boys were not afraid to jump off the swings, even if it meant their knees might become scraped up. I wanted to jump off the swings too, but I was afraid. I was not afraid of scraping my knees or getting hurt. I was not afraid of being different from my friends. I wanted to show them I was fearless, but I could not. I was afraid of what the teachers would think.
The teachers expected the girls to be an example. The girls had to be well behaved in order to set an example for the boys. They had to uphold the behavior that was expected of the class.
The boys were jumping off swings, climbing up slides, and standing on the monkey bars. The girls stood by and never did because we were the role models. We were symbols of what children were supposed to be like, right? Or by standing aside, not participating in adventure, deciding to choose purple as a favorite color over red, were we carrying out hundred year old stereotypes about girls not being able to break out from their assigned gender roles?
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
My Anti-Bucket List: Things I Really Could Go Without
People invest a lot of time into thinking about their bucket lists. My personal bucket list contains activities like travelling to Paris and London (again), dying my hair an unusual color (just once), and going to a Red Sox game. These are all perfectly attainable and I hope to do so at some point, but that will take time. I could sit here and plan out my bucket list, but everyone does that. Instead, here is my anti-bucket list. This is a list of experiences I have not yet had and would be perfectly content with going without for my entire life.
1. Get into a Car Accident
Everyone gets into a car accident at some point in their lives. My car has been hit four times and I was only in the car during one of them, but all incidents were minor and in parking lots. I have never been in a major car accident and I would love to never be involved. The sad part of this is that it is almost inevitable. Statistically speaking, it is going to happen. I just hope that when it does, it will be something that causes very little damage and does not harm me or anyone else.
2. Get a Tattoo
I have expressed my feelings towards tattoos many times. I have friends and family with tattoos and while I love them, I hate their tattoos. I have never cared for them and I would not mind going the rest of my life without one.
3. Own a Dog
I am a complete cat person. Dogs completely disgust me and I find them annoying as well as putrid. I do not find them cute or appealing at all. I would love to go the rest of my life without ever owning a dog (sorry future kids).
4. Go See a Horror Movie
I hate horror movies with a passion. Out of politeness, I will watch horror movies with my friends if they decide it is what they want to watch, but if I can avoid them, I will. My first horror flick was "The Silence of the Lambs" (required for a psychology class) and I was unable to walk around my house at night without being completely petrified for an entire month. I will never go to a movie theater and pay money to become terrified.
5. Cheat on Someone
No matter how unhappy I am in a relationship, I will never cheat on anyone. There is nobody that deserves that kind of heartbreak and I will certainly never be the person to cause that much hurt. I would have the decency to end a relationship before pursuing another person.
6. Go on a Cruise
I would feel pretty trapped on a boat with hundreds of strangers, relying on a floating hotel to take me around the ocean. Being reliant on Dramamine and the company of strangers at every corner? No thank you, please.
7. Ride a Roller Coaster that Goes Upside-Down
During the summer of 2012 I rode my first "real" roller coaster, meaning that there was no height maximum and it was not penguin-themed. I tried it and felt very proud of myself. All it did was go up and down, but it was fast and very scary. I will never ride a roller coaster that goes upside-down. I hate roller coasters because I am proudly that boring friend that will pay forty dollars to enter the park and only go on the merry-go-round just so she can spend time with her friends.
8. Ride/Drive a Motorcycle
Motorcycles scare me because I fear that a reckless driver is going to hit the bike. I will never drive a motorcycle or be a passenger on one. No matter how much faith I have in the machine or the driver, I will not be able to trust ignorant motorists that do not know how to handle being on the road with motorcycles.
9. Shoot a Gun
I could never picture myself shooting a gun because the sight of guns scares me a little. I would love to go the rest of my life without picking up a gun or shooting it. I have no problem with hunting--I'm from Vermont, I am so used to everyone doing it. I have nothing against gun ownership for the purposes of hunting, but I could never feel comfortable being the one handling the gun.
10. Hook Up With Someone Random
Whether you define a hook-up as a make-out or as something more, I assure you that I will never do it. I cannot comprehend how people go out or go to parties, meet someone, and then hook up with them. I do not understand why random make-outs happen and I will never completely understand the concept of a one-night-stand. I would never do this because I cannot separate emotion from these acts. It might just be me, but I do not approve of going about affection in this way.
11. Get Addicted to a Television Show
I have certain shows that I love, and I will certainly watch the entire series (looking at you, "30 Rock" and "Parks and Recreation"). I will watch them in their entirety when the series is cancelled or it ends. I do not have the time or interest that is required to watch a show religiously, tuning in every week. If I missed one, I would probably have some major F.O.M.O. Therefore, I will watch entire seasons of a show at a time, but I will not watch the show when it plays on a weekly basis.
12. Go to Antarctica
One of the items on many bucket lists is visiting all seven continents. Where I live, -20 is not an unheard of temperature. I hate being cold and there is nothing that could ever make me want to go where it is any colder than a Vermont winter.
So there it is, my anti-bucket list. Things I could easily go without for the rest of my life. Enjoy my lack of ambition, or rather, my decisiveness towards what I certainly do not want to do.
1. Get into a Car Accident
Everyone gets into a car accident at some point in their lives. My car has been hit four times and I was only in the car during one of them, but all incidents were minor and in parking lots. I have never been in a major car accident and I would love to never be involved. The sad part of this is that it is almost inevitable. Statistically speaking, it is going to happen. I just hope that when it does, it will be something that causes very little damage and does not harm me or anyone else.
2. Get a Tattoo
I have expressed my feelings towards tattoos many times. I have friends and family with tattoos and while I love them, I hate their tattoos. I have never cared for them and I would not mind going the rest of my life without one.
3. Own a Dog
I am a complete cat person. Dogs completely disgust me and I find them annoying as well as putrid. I do not find them cute or appealing at all. I would love to go the rest of my life without ever owning a dog (sorry future kids).
4. Go See a Horror Movie
I hate horror movies with a passion. Out of politeness, I will watch horror movies with my friends if they decide it is what they want to watch, but if I can avoid them, I will. My first horror flick was "The Silence of the Lambs" (required for a psychology class) and I was unable to walk around my house at night without being completely petrified for an entire month. I will never go to a movie theater and pay money to become terrified.
5. Cheat on Someone
No matter how unhappy I am in a relationship, I will never cheat on anyone. There is nobody that deserves that kind of heartbreak and I will certainly never be the person to cause that much hurt. I would have the decency to end a relationship before pursuing another person.
6. Go on a Cruise
I would feel pretty trapped on a boat with hundreds of strangers, relying on a floating hotel to take me around the ocean. Being reliant on Dramamine and the company of strangers at every corner? No thank you, please.
7. Ride a Roller Coaster that Goes Upside-Down
During the summer of 2012 I rode my first "real" roller coaster, meaning that there was no height maximum and it was not penguin-themed. I tried it and felt very proud of myself. All it did was go up and down, but it was fast and very scary. I will never ride a roller coaster that goes upside-down. I hate roller coasters because I am proudly that boring friend that will pay forty dollars to enter the park and only go on the merry-go-round just so she can spend time with her friends.
8. Ride/Drive a Motorcycle
Motorcycles scare me because I fear that a reckless driver is going to hit the bike. I will never drive a motorcycle or be a passenger on one. No matter how much faith I have in the machine or the driver, I will not be able to trust ignorant motorists that do not know how to handle being on the road with motorcycles.
9. Shoot a Gun
I could never picture myself shooting a gun because the sight of guns scares me a little. I would love to go the rest of my life without picking up a gun or shooting it. I have no problem with hunting--I'm from Vermont, I am so used to everyone doing it. I have nothing against gun ownership for the purposes of hunting, but I could never feel comfortable being the one handling the gun.
10. Hook Up With Someone Random
Whether you define a hook-up as a make-out or as something more, I assure you that I will never do it. I cannot comprehend how people go out or go to parties, meet someone, and then hook up with them. I do not understand why random make-outs happen and I will never completely understand the concept of a one-night-stand. I would never do this because I cannot separate emotion from these acts. It might just be me, but I do not approve of going about affection in this way.
11. Get Addicted to a Television Show
I have certain shows that I love, and I will certainly watch the entire series (looking at you, "30 Rock" and "Parks and Recreation"). I will watch them in their entirety when the series is cancelled or it ends. I do not have the time or interest that is required to watch a show religiously, tuning in every week. If I missed one, I would probably have some major F.O.M.O. Therefore, I will watch entire seasons of a show at a time, but I will not watch the show when it plays on a weekly basis.
12. Go to Antarctica
One of the items on many bucket lists is visiting all seven continents. Where I live, -20 is not an unheard of temperature. I hate being cold and there is nothing that could ever make me want to go where it is any colder than a Vermont winter.
So there it is, my anti-bucket list. Things I could easily go without for the rest of my life. Enjoy my lack of ambition, or rather, my decisiveness towards what I certainly do not want to do.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
How to Stay Single: Guaranteed Results
Something I have become increasingly talented at in the past few months is being single. I watch all my friends find boyfriends and get young men to chase after them while I sit at home and do homework. They wonder aloud why I am not in a similar situation with suitors lining up at the door. Why do I not have boys constantly falling in love with me? Why am I not wanted so badly by all the hot bachelors on campus?
To answer the pressing questions on everyone's minds, I am single because I follow these wonderful steps to guarantee my continued lack of a relationship. If you want to stay single, even if you are allegedly "pretty", "funny", or "smart" according to your friends, then I have the advice for you.
1. Do Not Party/Drink
In college, your peers all drink and go out to parties. They want to loosen up and have a good time. This is strictly advised against if you do not want a relationship. If you want to stay single, stay sober and in your room. Read a book or write a blog instead of going out and dancing on strangers with your water bottle of vodka.
2. Dress Conservatively
All those cardigans your grandmother gave you for Christmas will not be wasted if you want to be single. Wear these with tank tops that are high enough to cover your entire chest; the higher, the better. Pair this with jeans that are slightly faded, but most certainly not skinny or dark-wash. Wear your hair in a banal fashion and apply minimal makeup. Your natural face is the way to go if you do not want anyone after you.
3. Do Not Talk to Any Guys
Avoid talking to any young man that is not your gay best friend or brother. If you do not socialize with members of the opposite sex, you will not find a boyfriend among them. If you avoid these creatures at all costs, then you will most likely be safe from the danger that is having a significant other.
4. Wear Your Glasses
Glasses are so overrated. Everyone thinks the look is coming back with hipster fashion becoming so popular. Glasses are actually boy-repellent. Wear your glasses and avoid wearing contacts whenever possible, because it is better to be immediately written off as a nerd than to be immediately documented in a young gentleman's mind as an attractive, available female.
5. Avoid Eye Contact
Nothing sparks relationships more than making eye contact. Eye contact leads to smiles. Smiles lead talking. Talking leads to relationships. To completely ensure your single status, be sure to avoid any guy who dares to make eye contact with you. Be sure to keep your head down at all times and only look up when you hear voices that you recognize that are trying to get your attention. Be sure to avoid all other eyes as you respond to those people you already know.
6. Never Share Anything Personal
The more superficial you present your personality to be, the greater chance you have of never making an emotional connection with someone. Without doing so, you will be able to prevent attraction better than the average person that makes the mistake of talking about themselves.
7. Avoid Social Interaction at All Costs
Tired of being in public and having men after you? Tired of having your friends say that there is someone they know that would be just perfect for you? Avoid all this troublesome nonsense and limit your social interaction not only with men, but your girlfriends as well. The less time you spend with people, the less likely you are to find yourself permanently stuck with someone.
8. Become Unresponsive to Flirting Techniques
"You look beautiful" "Oh, thanks, I guess". "You are very funny" "Yeah". "We should hang out more often" "No, I'm busy then". This one is self-explanatory. If you do not want anyone wasting your time flattering you or complimenting you, brush that nonsense off.
I hope these techniques help you in your pursuit to stay single. As long as you avoid people, avoid talking, and try not to look attractive, then you will most likely be lucky enough to accomplish maintaining your single status. If for some reason you fail and accidentally find someone chasing after you, good luck with that too. I guess it can't be the worst thing in the world.
To answer the pressing questions on everyone's minds, I am single because I follow these wonderful steps to guarantee my continued lack of a relationship. If you want to stay single, even if you are allegedly "pretty", "funny", or "smart" according to your friends, then I have the advice for you.
1. Do Not Party/Drink
In college, your peers all drink and go out to parties. They want to loosen up and have a good time. This is strictly advised against if you do not want a relationship. If you want to stay single, stay sober and in your room. Read a book or write a blog instead of going out and dancing on strangers with your water bottle of vodka.
2. Dress Conservatively
All those cardigans your grandmother gave you for Christmas will not be wasted if you want to be single. Wear these with tank tops that are high enough to cover your entire chest; the higher, the better. Pair this with jeans that are slightly faded, but most certainly not skinny or dark-wash. Wear your hair in a banal fashion and apply minimal makeup. Your natural face is the way to go if you do not want anyone after you.
3. Do Not Talk to Any Guys
Avoid talking to any young man that is not your gay best friend or brother. If you do not socialize with members of the opposite sex, you will not find a boyfriend among them. If you avoid these creatures at all costs, then you will most likely be safe from the danger that is having a significant other.
4. Wear Your Glasses
Glasses are so overrated. Everyone thinks the look is coming back with hipster fashion becoming so popular. Glasses are actually boy-repellent. Wear your glasses and avoid wearing contacts whenever possible, because it is better to be immediately written off as a nerd than to be immediately documented in a young gentleman's mind as an attractive, available female.
5. Avoid Eye Contact
Nothing sparks relationships more than making eye contact. Eye contact leads to smiles. Smiles lead talking. Talking leads to relationships. To completely ensure your single status, be sure to avoid any guy who dares to make eye contact with you. Be sure to keep your head down at all times and only look up when you hear voices that you recognize that are trying to get your attention. Be sure to avoid all other eyes as you respond to those people you already know.
6. Never Share Anything Personal
The more superficial you present your personality to be, the greater chance you have of never making an emotional connection with someone. Without doing so, you will be able to prevent attraction better than the average person that makes the mistake of talking about themselves.
7. Avoid Social Interaction at All Costs
Tired of being in public and having men after you? Tired of having your friends say that there is someone they know that would be just perfect for you? Avoid all this troublesome nonsense and limit your social interaction not only with men, but your girlfriends as well. The less time you spend with people, the less likely you are to find yourself permanently stuck with someone.
8. Become Unresponsive to Flirting Techniques
"You look beautiful" "Oh, thanks, I guess". "You are very funny" "Yeah". "We should hang out more often" "No, I'm busy then". This one is self-explanatory. If you do not want anyone wasting your time flattering you or complimenting you, brush that nonsense off.
I hope these techniques help you in your pursuit to stay single. As long as you avoid people, avoid talking, and try not to look attractive, then you will most likely be lucky enough to accomplish maintaining your single status. If for some reason you fail and accidentally find someone chasing after you, good luck with that too. I guess it can't be the worst thing in the world.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
How to Find the Perfect College: Just Kidding, You're Doomed
When I was in Second Grade, we had a project where we wrote about our dreams. We picked a dream and posted our dream on a star out in the hallway. As a seven year old child, my dream was to get a scholarship and go to college. I wrote that on my construction-paper star and put it on the wall next to all the other poorly cut-out stars. My peers dreamed of becoming ballerinas or doctors or baseball players. I dreamed of a high education and not having to pay for it. My dreams have always been pretty realistic, even from a young age. I should be very proud of myself, because ten years later I was accepted to all six colleges I applied to and received scholarships of varying amounts from each one.
We dream to go to college and we dream to not have to pay a fortune for it. We dream of a higher education and of having that college experience. But how do you know you will pick the right college? How do you know you are going to like it?
I went to countless seminars and read articles on a daily basis about picking the right school. I did all my research and worked very hard to assure myself that I was on the right track to picking the perfect school for me. These articles and seminars promise that you will be able to find a college that you will love. You attack that overwhelming process of touring schools, filling out applications, and reading up on the schools with a positive attitude. Unfortunately, you soon realize how hard it will be to really know which school is right for you.
You will know what the campus looks like. You will know what majors and minors are available. You will know how big classes are, if the school is religious, how many students there are, and about all the clubs that are listed on their websites.
What you do not know about is how you will like it there and how you will fit in on campus. You do not know what parties will be happening. You do not know how many people are drinking or if your neighbors across the hall will be smoking marijuana. You do not know what kind of people attend the school. You can get an understanding of how many games the hockey team will win and how much your professors will be able to help you if you are struggling, but you will have no idea what to expect socially.
I am a victim of college websites, seminars, and tour guides not telling me what I needed to know. I am a victim of not learning what questions to ask. I am a victim of being sheltered from the information I needed to understand in order to be well informed about choosing my college.
If I had known about what the social life was like at my college, I can guarantee that I would never have chosen this school. Every single weekend there are loud parties with music and drinking. I smell marijuana too often and every Saturday when I wake up, the path to the cafeteria is strewn with empty beer cans.
One of the reasons I chose the school I did was because I am Catholic and I wanted to go to a Catholic school. I wanted to be able to stay on campus to go to church and I wanted a school with religious values and a large number of Catholic people. What going to this Catholic school really means is that you have to walk a mile to the church in the freezing cold on Sundays to see the same twenty people at church. It means you have to take two religion courses that do not even focus on Catholicism as part of your core classes. It does not mean that there will be a lot more Catholic people than normally, and it certainly does not mean that the students will live by Catholic values.
Nobody tells you that everyone will drink. I figured when I came to college, only about half of the people or so would drink. I can count on one hand the people I know that do not drink at all. I absolutely hate being around drunk people and I do not like parties at all. I cannot stand being around people who are loud and incoherent. I detest dancing in a room where I cannot move due to the number of people in the tiny room. I was not informed that I would be expected to attend these parties and enjoy them.
Nobody told me that I was supposed to take the social aspect of college into consideration equally as much as the academic aspect. Although "nobody" told me, I do not even have a someone to blame. I cannot blame the colleges. They would never want to advertise the amount of underage drinking and how they have campus police ignore it for our "safety". I cannot blame the seminars because they were geared towards the parents, telling them to look for academically strong colleges that their children would be able to thrive in. I cannot even blame myself, because I was told by every source to focus on academics and that I would find the right social groups by just being myself. I was told that I would find people that were like me just by being at college. I can certainly assure you that I have not. I have friends. In fact, I have some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I love them so much, but they are not the types of friends I thought I would make. I thought I would find a bunch of people like me, but I did not. I thought I would thrive in the college I picked, because I would thrive anywhere...right? At least that is what I was told...
We dream to go to college and we dream to not have to pay a fortune for it. We dream of a higher education and of having that college experience. But how do you know you will pick the right college? How do you know you are going to like it?
I went to countless seminars and read articles on a daily basis about picking the right school. I did all my research and worked very hard to assure myself that I was on the right track to picking the perfect school for me. These articles and seminars promise that you will be able to find a college that you will love. You attack that overwhelming process of touring schools, filling out applications, and reading up on the schools with a positive attitude. Unfortunately, you soon realize how hard it will be to really know which school is right for you.
You will know what the campus looks like. You will know what majors and minors are available. You will know how big classes are, if the school is religious, how many students there are, and about all the clubs that are listed on their websites.
What you do not know about is how you will like it there and how you will fit in on campus. You do not know what parties will be happening. You do not know how many people are drinking or if your neighbors across the hall will be smoking marijuana. You do not know what kind of people attend the school. You can get an understanding of how many games the hockey team will win and how much your professors will be able to help you if you are struggling, but you will have no idea what to expect socially.
I am a victim of college websites, seminars, and tour guides not telling me what I needed to know. I am a victim of not learning what questions to ask. I am a victim of being sheltered from the information I needed to understand in order to be well informed about choosing my college.
If I had known about what the social life was like at my college, I can guarantee that I would never have chosen this school. Every single weekend there are loud parties with music and drinking. I smell marijuana too often and every Saturday when I wake up, the path to the cafeteria is strewn with empty beer cans.
One of the reasons I chose the school I did was because I am Catholic and I wanted to go to a Catholic school. I wanted to be able to stay on campus to go to church and I wanted a school with religious values and a large number of Catholic people. What going to this Catholic school really means is that you have to walk a mile to the church in the freezing cold on Sundays to see the same twenty people at church. It means you have to take two religion courses that do not even focus on Catholicism as part of your core classes. It does not mean that there will be a lot more Catholic people than normally, and it certainly does not mean that the students will live by Catholic values.
Nobody tells you that everyone will drink. I figured when I came to college, only about half of the people or so would drink. I can count on one hand the people I know that do not drink at all. I absolutely hate being around drunk people and I do not like parties at all. I cannot stand being around people who are loud and incoherent. I detest dancing in a room where I cannot move due to the number of people in the tiny room. I was not informed that I would be expected to attend these parties and enjoy them.
Nobody told me that I was supposed to take the social aspect of college into consideration equally as much as the academic aspect. Although "nobody" told me, I do not even have a someone to blame. I cannot blame the colleges. They would never want to advertise the amount of underage drinking and how they have campus police ignore it for our "safety". I cannot blame the seminars because they were geared towards the parents, telling them to look for academically strong colleges that their children would be able to thrive in. I cannot even blame myself, because I was told by every source to focus on academics and that I would find the right social groups by just being myself. I was told that I would find people that were like me just by being at college. I can certainly assure you that I have not. I have friends. In fact, I have some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I love them so much, but they are not the types of friends I thought I would make. I thought I would find a bunch of people like me, but I did not. I thought I would thrive in the college I picked, because I would thrive anywhere...right? At least that is what I was told...
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