I have a playlist that I have titled my "Sleepytime Playlist" because it is perfect to listen to before falling asleep. It is of a perfect length including just ten songs, so if I end up falling asleep, my iPod will not lose power. It is also long enough that it ensures that I will (hopefully) fall asleep before it ends. This is one of the best methods I have found for trying to fall asleep because it is very calming music. I compiled this list of songs that are perfect for falling asleep to. Here it is:
1. A Dustland Fairytale by The Killers
I love this song due to how it makes me feel as I listen to it. I feel like I have been whisked away and placed in the middle of a dramatic fairytale. It is a dynamic song with a wonderful beat.
2. 3 a.m. by Matchbox 20
This song is just amazing and has the perfect "early 2000's alternative rock" feel that I always go for. Basically, if it would fit in being played as a transition on "Friends" I like it. The song is also so quotable, especially any time I stay up until 3 in the morning (which is way more often than I would like to admit). I don't always stay up until 3 a.m., but when I do, I scream "Baby! It's 3 a.m. I must be lonely!". The song is soft and wonderful in every way, so I had to put it on my list.
3. Clumsy by Our Lady Peace
I would be lying if I said this song has never made me cry. It has an acoustic feel with a piano intro. I do not know exactly why I love this song or why it even makes me cry, but something about singing along when I feel emotional just makes me feel the feels even more. It is a very wonderful song and it has a strong message, so I put it on my list.
4. Name by The Goo Goo Dolls
I have been really into the Goo Goo Dolls lately, mostly because I love this style of music. I have known this song for years and it recently surfaced on my Pandora. I heard it and I knew so many of the words without having heard it in a long time. When that occurs with a song, I think it shows the connection you have with it. It is also very acoustic, so it belongs on the list for musical reasons as well as sentimental reasons.
5. Round Here by Counting Crows
When I was about ten years old, I loved listening to some of the Counting Crows' faster paced, more upbeat music. As I became older, I heard this song and I absolutely love it. It has wonderful lyrics that tell a story and it has a section with interesting syncopation that is very unique and I just love.
6. Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews Band
This is yet another song that just has a wonderful acoustic sound and is very calming. It opens with a guitar and has a baritone saxophone play which sounds absolutely beautiful. Dave Matthews also has a very calming voice and is the Morgan Freeman of singing. I could listen for hours and be intrigued, yet somehow it makes me feel very sleepy.
7. A Long December by Counting Crows
This is a very emotional song and I have cried while listening to it during emotional times. It has a wonderful piano in the song that I have actually learned how to play because I enjoy it so much. Its lyrics talk about how the year has been and gives off the general impression of sadness. It is sad in a sense that it is not depressing or something anyone can relate to, but something that you could definitely sing along too with tears flowing down your cheeks and feel completely connected to the song.
8. Satellite by Dave Matthews Band
I love that this song has a wonderful acoustic beginning and saxophones playing a very staccato melody. I also, again, love Dave Matthew's voice. However, my favorite part of the song is that it is in 3/4 time. One two three, one two three, one two three... I love it so much. I have never heard a song that was this way that was not a waltz. This is certainly the only "modern" song I know that is in 3/4 time and I love how unique it is for that.
9. Romeo and Juliet by The Killers
This is a very beautiful song that has a wonderful story. It tells the classic "Romeo and Juliet" story and brings it into a modern context, while still keeping some "quotes" from Shakespeare (it is a paraphrased version, so basically the same thing, right?). I believe my favorite is, "He finds a convenient streetlight, steps out of the shade, says something like, 'You and me babe, how 'bout it?'". This quote is in direct competition for my favorite with "You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin, now you just say 'Oh Romeo, yeah, you know I used to have a scene with him" and "I can't do anything, but I'll do anything for you. I can't do anything but be in love with you". This song is just perfect to listen to and fall asleep to.
10. Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls
Just thinking about this song brings tears to my eyes. This is my favorite song at the moment. It is so beautiful and has such a powerful message to it. I love the soft-rock feel from the alternative band. The intro just triggers my tear ducts. "And I'd give up forever to touch you, 'cause I know that you feel me somehow" is just perfect in every way. I feel that this can be related to any situation in love, whether it be long term, long distance, or even just a crush you fall hard for. My absolute favorite is "And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming". I have found that there are times that I should be a lot more sad than I feel, or at least I think that I should be more sad.. Going through my first break-up was extremely hard. I am not going to lie to myself or anyone else and say I was not in love or that I did not feel the way I thought I did. I will not deny for a second that I thought everything would work out in the end. However, I was caught up in the love that I felt and it caused me to ignore everything that was wrong. It hurt a lot, but I ended the relationship because the hurt started to become more prominent than the love. While listening to this song, I felt that "You can't fight the tears that ain't coming" was absolutely perfect for my situation. I thought that after losing the love that I had and watching what I put so much time and emotion into fall apart, I would be much more sad than I was. I thought I would be inconsolable for weeks and be hurting so much, but I really was not. This song helped me so much. I realized that "when everything's made to be broken" I want the world "to know who I am". I do not want the world thinking that I am nothing but an ex-girlfriend who spends her time crying. In fact, what I did was not let that stop me. I was inspired to become a better version of myself. I lost ten pounds, I tried even harder in school, became closer with my friends, and reorganized my life. For me, "Iris" is so much more than a song. It represents who I became after I became single. I found myself and I found out how I can be awesome on my own. "Iris" is the perfect ending to my "Sleepytime Playlist" because it reminds me of how far I have come and how far I am going in such a wonderfully beautiful way.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
A Personality Makeover, and a New Look to Match
Lately I have been making so many changes in my life that I am finding it hard to really even keep track. I am quite obviously now gluten-free and can/do go on and on talking about that. I am also newly (by about two months now) single and it is an interesting new way to live (frankly, I like it a lot). I also just changed my major and declared one minor (plans fell through with the Sports Medicine minor because it is in the Health Science department).
Among these changes, I have made some physical changes. Since becoming gluten-free and losing twenty pounds, I have had a hard time adjusting. Six months ago I would have said "boo-hoo" to anyone who said losing weight quickly in a healthy way was a problem, but I understand the struggle. Frankly, it was weird. I was not ready and not expecting it to happen. It was just a surprising perk of fixing nearly every health problem that had plagued me for years.
I lost a lot of clothing due to the transition. I bought new pants recently and I was told by my roommate that they look ridiculously big on me. I can no longer wear those, as well as a few skirts and all my dress pants that I bought over the course of the last year. I also have a few dresses that are too large, even one that I bought just this June. When I received a t-shirt from the play, I told them I needed a medium, but they looked at me and said "No, you look like a small". Due to this shift in my body size and type, I am going to try to sell my old clothes to a thrift store for teens. I will invest the money I get from the transaction in a few belts, some new staples (such as a new black pencil skirt) and a few pairs of jeans that actually fit.
This brings me to Friday. On Friday, there is a "Black and White" dance being put on here. I will get dressed up and go, but what to wear? I was going to wear a dress I bought six weeks ago, but it shrunk and is now way too short, something I find extremely frustrating. I have my white dress from graduation, but it is now too big. I tried on my black pencil skirt, figuring I could just pull it up, but instead it nearly fell off my hips. I am not complaining that I am small, but I am saying that the lack of time I had to shop before coming to college (and the lack of money) was not healthy for my wardrobe.
As I was about to give up, I pulled a dress I bought in February for a Semi-Formal in High School out of my closet in a reminiscent fashion. It has a red top and an attached black "skirt" part. I had not worn it in nearly a year, but I decided to just try it on.
Putting on the dress felt amazing. I look so much better in it now than I did in February. I felt so satisfied pulling it over my hips and not having it fit nearly as tight as it did last time. There were no fat rolls or awkward places that should not have been there. I felt confident, attractive, and beautiful.
I plan on wearing that dress with a pair of high heels and my new hair. My roommates have been encouraging me and telling me to change my hair. I have always worn my hair parted down the middle at medium length. They told me that I should change this up by parting it to the side. It was not until I did a trial-run of my hair for Friday that I realized how much better the side-part looks on me. I did this, put in my contacts, then had them curl my hair and do my makeup. After that transformation, I felt so confident looking in the mirror. I decided that I should make this my new "look" and I will start it on Friday.
On Friday I will don that amazing dress, style my hair parted to the side with curls, put on eye shadow, wear my contacts, and step into those heels. I will show everyone here how I can look when I put in some effort and decide to show my inner confidence on the outside through my appearance.
All in all, the changes I have made have changed who I am as a person, and frankly, I feel that since I have changed so much over the last four months, my look needs to change too. I am becoming so much more "me" and I love everything about that. So look out world, Jess is thin, single, healthy, happy, and more confident than she ever has been. Just wait and see what happens next.
Among these changes, I have made some physical changes. Since becoming gluten-free and losing twenty pounds, I have had a hard time adjusting. Six months ago I would have said "boo-hoo" to anyone who said losing weight quickly in a healthy way was a problem, but I understand the struggle. Frankly, it was weird. I was not ready and not expecting it to happen. It was just a surprising perk of fixing nearly every health problem that had plagued me for years.
I lost a lot of clothing due to the transition. I bought new pants recently and I was told by my roommate that they look ridiculously big on me. I can no longer wear those, as well as a few skirts and all my dress pants that I bought over the course of the last year. I also have a few dresses that are too large, even one that I bought just this June. When I received a t-shirt from the play, I told them I needed a medium, but they looked at me and said "No, you look like a small". Due to this shift in my body size and type, I am going to try to sell my old clothes to a thrift store for teens. I will invest the money I get from the transaction in a few belts, some new staples (such as a new black pencil skirt) and a few pairs of jeans that actually fit.
This brings me to Friday. On Friday, there is a "Black and White" dance being put on here. I will get dressed up and go, but what to wear? I was going to wear a dress I bought six weeks ago, but it shrunk and is now way too short, something I find extremely frustrating. I have my white dress from graduation, but it is now too big. I tried on my black pencil skirt, figuring I could just pull it up, but instead it nearly fell off my hips. I am not complaining that I am small, but I am saying that the lack of time I had to shop before coming to college (and the lack of money) was not healthy for my wardrobe.
As I was about to give up, I pulled a dress I bought in February for a Semi-Formal in High School out of my closet in a reminiscent fashion. It has a red top and an attached black "skirt" part. I had not worn it in nearly a year, but I decided to just try it on.
Putting on the dress felt amazing. I look so much better in it now than I did in February. I felt so satisfied pulling it over my hips and not having it fit nearly as tight as it did last time. There were no fat rolls or awkward places that should not have been there. I felt confident, attractive, and beautiful.
I plan on wearing that dress with a pair of high heels and my new hair. My roommates have been encouraging me and telling me to change my hair. I have always worn my hair parted down the middle at medium length. They told me that I should change this up by parting it to the side. It was not until I did a trial-run of my hair for Friday that I realized how much better the side-part looks on me. I did this, put in my contacts, then had them curl my hair and do my makeup. After that transformation, I felt so confident looking in the mirror. I decided that I should make this my new "look" and I will start it on Friday.
On Friday I will don that amazing dress, style my hair parted to the side with curls, put on eye shadow, wear my contacts, and step into those heels. I will show everyone here how I can look when I put in some effort and decide to show my inner confidence on the outside through my appearance.
All in all, the changes I have made have changed who I am as a person, and frankly, I feel that since I have changed so much over the last four months, my look needs to change too. I am becoming so much more "me" and I love everything about that. So look out world, Jess is thin, single, healthy, happy, and more confident than she ever has been. Just wait and see what happens next.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Phrases I Live By: A Guide to My Mantras
Whenever I find myself in a situation that is stressful, I have three mantras to live by. Actually, I use the three mantras for nearly every situation where I find myself questioning what to do. I feel that having mantras to guide myself by are important because they can help me stay calm and collected.
I can have terrible anxiety and I find myself in awkward social situations due to it. I have found that creating these mantras has helped me to deal with life because they help me focus on the stress I deal with and put everything into perspective as well as help change my attitude and outlook on what is going on.
The first of my mantras is my oldest. I have been using it for over a year now and I have found that it works very well. This mantra, which is phrased as a question, has helped me through many situations. It is "Will this matter in ten years?". This has helped me to put my priorities into place, helped anger melt away, and helped me when I felt that I was being treated with less respect than I should be. For example, when I was applying to college, I had a lot of schoolwork and other extracurricular responsibilities, so I would ask myself "Will this matter in ten years?". When the situation was something such as looking at colleges or filling out the Common Application, the answer was "yes", so I continued what I was doing and took a deep breath. However, when the answer was "no" I would let the stress go away because if it had nothing to do with my future, why bother?
Sometimes people tried to use the mantra against me. I told them about it and they thought it was ridiculous. When I would get stressed about something small, they would jokingly ask "Will it matter in ten years?". While they were being sarcastic, I took the statement seriously and by verbally stating this mantra, they often helped me to realize when I was overreacting and that I just needed to let the small things go.
This mantra helps me a lot in college. When I have a lot on my plate and I have to focus, I ask myself "Will it matter in ten years?". For example, when I went to change my major and I was extremely nervous about doing so, I asked myself that question. It gave me the motivation to go and talk to the professors I had never met in the building I had never been in before because I knew that I would regret not doing so in ten years. "Will this matter in ten years?" is one of my favorite questions and my oldest mantra.
My second mantra also has to do with stress. It is a quote from my favorite book Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. I could go on for hours about why this is my favorite book and why every woman should read it, but that is aside from the point. My second mantra is the quote, "Life appears to me too short to be spent nursing animosity and registering wrongs". I tend to become stressed very easily and it often causes me to become angry at everyone around me. If I am stressed and someone wrongs me or otherwise does something to make me mad, I recite this mantra. It helps me put everything into perspective. If I spend my time thinking about the way that someone has hurt me or dwell on why I should dislike them, I am wasting my time. I do not forget what they have done to me, but to spend time thinking about it is to give them the time of day. It is a waste, in my opinion, to spend time even thinking about someone who has hurt you because you could use that time focusing on the positive people in your life instead. This is my second mantra because it helps anger melt away.
My final mantra is my favorite and it is "Natural Smile, Soft Eyes". I have a tendency to have an angry resting face. When I am thinking or I am not reacting to anything, I tend to look like I am upset. I also have problems with my eyesight which sometimes cause me to squint my eyes, especially when I am wearing contacts. I use this mantra to show the positive attitude I really have towards the world. I try to smile naturally, because I often feel that the smile I have when I think about it seems fake. I want to be genuine and not overcompensate for my naturally angry look. I also try to have soft eyes because I will often squint or not open my eyes completely. I can also have judgmental eyes at times that have a way of giving condescending looks. By keeping this mantra in mind, I feel that I am able to more often express my inward happiness instead of my naturally indifferent and sometimes angry face.
I feel that my life has been greatly improved by my mantras. They give me perspective and help me to think clearly. Whenever I find myself questioning what I am doing or why I am stressed, I go through the three mantras and one of them will bring me to a solution. If it will not matter in ten years and I have given up being angry, then "Natural Smile, Soft Eyes".
I recommend coming up with mantras to everyone because it can help increase your focus and put everything into perspective. So will it matter in ten years? Should you really be nursing animosity and registering wrongs? Natural Smile, Soft Eyes.
I can have terrible anxiety and I find myself in awkward social situations due to it. I have found that creating these mantras has helped me to deal with life because they help me focus on the stress I deal with and put everything into perspective as well as help change my attitude and outlook on what is going on.
The first of my mantras is my oldest. I have been using it for over a year now and I have found that it works very well. This mantra, which is phrased as a question, has helped me through many situations. It is "Will this matter in ten years?". This has helped me to put my priorities into place, helped anger melt away, and helped me when I felt that I was being treated with less respect than I should be. For example, when I was applying to college, I had a lot of schoolwork and other extracurricular responsibilities, so I would ask myself "Will this matter in ten years?". When the situation was something such as looking at colleges or filling out the Common Application, the answer was "yes", so I continued what I was doing and took a deep breath. However, when the answer was "no" I would let the stress go away because if it had nothing to do with my future, why bother?
Sometimes people tried to use the mantra against me. I told them about it and they thought it was ridiculous. When I would get stressed about something small, they would jokingly ask "Will it matter in ten years?". While they were being sarcastic, I took the statement seriously and by verbally stating this mantra, they often helped me to realize when I was overreacting and that I just needed to let the small things go.
This mantra helps me a lot in college. When I have a lot on my plate and I have to focus, I ask myself "Will it matter in ten years?". For example, when I went to change my major and I was extremely nervous about doing so, I asked myself that question. It gave me the motivation to go and talk to the professors I had never met in the building I had never been in before because I knew that I would regret not doing so in ten years. "Will this matter in ten years?" is one of my favorite questions and my oldest mantra.
My second mantra also has to do with stress. It is a quote from my favorite book Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. I could go on for hours about why this is my favorite book and why every woman should read it, but that is aside from the point. My second mantra is the quote, "Life appears to me too short to be spent nursing animosity and registering wrongs". I tend to become stressed very easily and it often causes me to become angry at everyone around me. If I am stressed and someone wrongs me or otherwise does something to make me mad, I recite this mantra. It helps me put everything into perspective. If I spend my time thinking about the way that someone has hurt me or dwell on why I should dislike them, I am wasting my time. I do not forget what they have done to me, but to spend time thinking about it is to give them the time of day. It is a waste, in my opinion, to spend time even thinking about someone who has hurt you because you could use that time focusing on the positive people in your life instead. This is my second mantra because it helps anger melt away.
My final mantra is my favorite and it is "Natural Smile, Soft Eyes". I have a tendency to have an angry resting face. When I am thinking or I am not reacting to anything, I tend to look like I am upset. I also have problems with my eyesight which sometimes cause me to squint my eyes, especially when I am wearing contacts. I use this mantra to show the positive attitude I really have towards the world. I try to smile naturally, because I often feel that the smile I have when I think about it seems fake. I want to be genuine and not overcompensate for my naturally angry look. I also try to have soft eyes because I will often squint or not open my eyes completely. I can also have judgmental eyes at times that have a way of giving condescending looks. By keeping this mantra in mind, I feel that I am able to more often express my inward happiness instead of my naturally indifferent and sometimes angry face.
I feel that my life has been greatly improved by my mantras. They give me perspective and help me to think clearly. Whenever I find myself questioning what I am doing or why I am stressed, I go through the three mantras and one of them will bring me to a solution. If it will not matter in ten years and I have given up being angry, then "Natural Smile, Soft Eyes".
I recommend coming up with mantras to everyone because it can help increase your focus and put everything into perspective. So will it matter in ten years? Should you really be nursing animosity and registering wrongs? Natural Smile, Soft Eyes.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Living With Celiac, or Something Like It
I barely knew what Celiac Disease was before a few months ago. I did not have a complete understanding of gluten either. I thought that gluten was something in bread and anything delicious and that Celiac Disease was this mystery that went along with not being able to enjoy that delicious, gluten-containing food. I have worked at a grocery store for over two years and I saw the lack of gluten-free foods. When I saw the shortage of available food, it made me thankful to not have to eat it. The bread was small and did not seem normal. The pizza cost seven dollars more than regular pizza. The pancake mix was five dollars for a bag half the size of a normal bag. I knew that it was definitely something that nobody, or their wallet, would ever want.
For as long as I can remember, I have had stomach problems. I would get stomachaches after eating, I would feel nauseous when I was nervous, and as a child, I missed a lot of school and activities due to these issues. I would also have a lot of brain fog and find myself feeling faint or being unable to think straight for no apparent reason.
As I entered my teen years, the symptoms continued. Every day after lunch, I felt sick. It became so familiar to me that I did not think twice about it. I nearly fell asleep in my classes after lunch and I would sometimes go home due to how nauseated I would become. I always saw these symptoms as being something normal and part of who I am. I never thought much of them, until they got worse during April of my Senior year.
My symptoms became increasingly worse over the course of my Senior year, but in April, I really started to investigate what these bizarre symptoms were caused by. It was then that I noticed that the symptoms were induced immediately after every time I ate. I thought that one possibility was Diabetes. I thought that it was spikes in blood sugar that caused my body to feel like it was shutting down when I ate food. However, when that crossed my mind, I did not think it was possible that it would take seventeen years for me to figure that out.
Another problem was with the fact that I was gaining a lot of weight. I never a skinny person, but I was always on the verge of becoming overweight. My Senior year, I crossed into that overweight category. I gained nearly fifteen pounds. I could not figure out what was going on and it was very frustrating. I never had great eating habits and I figured that they must have just been catching up with me as I got older.
I finally discovered what the problem was on July 11, 2013. I had an extreme "gluten attack" or "Celiac attack" as I call such events now. I ate a granola bar at about 10 p.m. (like I said, I did not have the best dietary habits) and at 12:30 am, it hit me. I was the only person in the house that was awake and I was lying in my bed. I was paralyzed with pain and unable to even communicate that I was hurting. I considered calling the house phone from my cell phone because I could barely speak. My dad walked by because he woke up in the middle of the night, and I managed to get his attention.
When he saw me, he asked if I needed to go to the emergency room. I was unsure what was happening, but at this point, I could move. I decided to not go and to try to sleep again, but I was worried. It did not make me feel sick, but the pain was barely tolerable. I was crying and sweating from what can easily be described as the most physical pain I have ever experienced in my entire life.
I decided, once the pain was over, to do some research. I stumbled upon gluten intolerance. I saw the symptoms and my symptoms matched nearly everything on the list. I had the nauseated feeling after eating, the brain fog, the extreme fatigue, and the pain. I gained weight and I felt sick nearly every day. There was a name for what I had experienced my entire life. It was Celiac Disease... or something like it.
That morning, I began my gluten-free diet. I went to the grocery store and bought gluten-free bread, gluten-free pasta, and plenty of naturally gluten-free snacks such as hummus, that were safe for me to eat. Slowly, the symptoms went away. The sick feeling I always had was gone.
After going gluten-free for three weeks, I had a routine doctor's appointment. I outlined for them every symptom that they had not been able to diagnose (even as a child when they did some stomach screenings) and how everything was gone. I had energy, I did not feel sick, I thought clearly, I would not shake after eating, and I lost ten pounds. It was a relief to finally know what it was... sort of.
I was told that I might have Celiac Disease, the more severe version of gluten intolerance. Gluten intolerance occurs in six percent of people and it is a general sensitivity to gluten. A few of my friends with gluten intolerance are able to have small amounts of gluten and remain unharmed. Celiac Disease is more severe, with smaller amounts effecting the victim to an even greater extent, and only one percent of the general population has this. I figured that I must have Celiac Disease, because as little as a few crumbs worth of bread or even salad dressing containing maltodexterin (my nemesis) in it will cause me to have a full reaction. I did not get tested because I did not want to go through the process. It includes taking a sample of digestive villi which requires having a tube down the throat and removing parts of the stomach as well as several points in the small intestine. It requires a lot of time and it is sometimes inconclusive, so I was officially diagnosed with gluten-intolerance, but the possibility of Celiac Disease was acknowledged.
I was told that the best thing I could do was stay on a strict gluten-free diet. I have been on this diet for four months now and I have been feeling better than ever. I have none of the symptoms and only experience them when I accidentally eat gluten. I have clearer skin, I do not feel nauseated, I think clearly, and best of all, I have lost nearly twenty five pounds. I feel better than I ever have in my entire life.
My hope is that everyone in my shoes pays attention to their symptoms and realizes that they do not have to live with the sickness and the pain. I hope that they see that the way they feel is not normal and that something as simple as changing their diet can help. I hope to be able to raise awareness through the story of my discovery in order to hopefully help someone notice that they have something wrong and that there is something they can do about it.
For as long as I can remember, I have had stomach problems. I would get stomachaches after eating, I would feel nauseous when I was nervous, and as a child, I missed a lot of school and activities due to these issues. I would also have a lot of brain fog and find myself feeling faint or being unable to think straight for no apparent reason.
As I entered my teen years, the symptoms continued. Every day after lunch, I felt sick. It became so familiar to me that I did not think twice about it. I nearly fell asleep in my classes after lunch and I would sometimes go home due to how nauseated I would become. I always saw these symptoms as being something normal and part of who I am. I never thought much of them, until they got worse during April of my Senior year.
My symptoms became increasingly worse over the course of my Senior year, but in April, I really started to investigate what these bizarre symptoms were caused by. It was then that I noticed that the symptoms were induced immediately after every time I ate. I thought that one possibility was Diabetes. I thought that it was spikes in blood sugar that caused my body to feel like it was shutting down when I ate food. However, when that crossed my mind, I did not think it was possible that it would take seventeen years for me to figure that out.
Another problem was with the fact that I was gaining a lot of weight. I never a skinny person, but I was always on the verge of becoming overweight. My Senior year, I crossed into that overweight category. I gained nearly fifteen pounds. I could not figure out what was going on and it was very frustrating. I never had great eating habits and I figured that they must have just been catching up with me as I got older.
I finally discovered what the problem was on July 11, 2013. I had an extreme "gluten attack" or "Celiac attack" as I call such events now. I ate a granola bar at about 10 p.m. (like I said, I did not have the best dietary habits) and at 12:30 am, it hit me. I was the only person in the house that was awake and I was lying in my bed. I was paralyzed with pain and unable to even communicate that I was hurting. I considered calling the house phone from my cell phone because I could barely speak. My dad walked by because he woke up in the middle of the night, and I managed to get his attention.
When he saw me, he asked if I needed to go to the emergency room. I was unsure what was happening, but at this point, I could move. I decided to not go and to try to sleep again, but I was worried. It did not make me feel sick, but the pain was barely tolerable. I was crying and sweating from what can easily be described as the most physical pain I have ever experienced in my entire life.
I decided, once the pain was over, to do some research. I stumbled upon gluten intolerance. I saw the symptoms and my symptoms matched nearly everything on the list. I had the nauseated feeling after eating, the brain fog, the extreme fatigue, and the pain. I gained weight and I felt sick nearly every day. There was a name for what I had experienced my entire life. It was Celiac Disease... or something like it.
That morning, I began my gluten-free diet. I went to the grocery store and bought gluten-free bread, gluten-free pasta, and plenty of naturally gluten-free snacks such as hummus, that were safe for me to eat. Slowly, the symptoms went away. The sick feeling I always had was gone.
After going gluten-free for three weeks, I had a routine doctor's appointment. I outlined for them every symptom that they had not been able to diagnose (even as a child when they did some stomach screenings) and how everything was gone. I had energy, I did not feel sick, I thought clearly, I would not shake after eating, and I lost ten pounds. It was a relief to finally know what it was... sort of.
I was told that I might have Celiac Disease, the more severe version of gluten intolerance. Gluten intolerance occurs in six percent of people and it is a general sensitivity to gluten. A few of my friends with gluten intolerance are able to have small amounts of gluten and remain unharmed. Celiac Disease is more severe, with smaller amounts effecting the victim to an even greater extent, and only one percent of the general population has this. I figured that I must have Celiac Disease, because as little as a few crumbs worth of bread or even salad dressing containing maltodexterin (my nemesis) in it will cause me to have a full reaction. I did not get tested because I did not want to go through the process. It includes taking a sample of digestive villi which requires having a tube down the throat and removing parts of the stomach as well as several points in the small intestine. It requires a lot of time and it is sometimes inconclusive, so I was officially diagnosed with gluten-intolerance, but the possibility of Celiac Disease was acknowledged.
I was told that the best thing I could do was stay on a strict gluten-free diet. I have been on this diet for four months now and I have been feeling better than ever. I have none of the symptoms and only experience them when I accidentally eat gluten. I have clearer skin, I do not feel nauseated, I think clearly, and best of all, I have lost nearly twenty five pounds. I feel better than I ever have in my entire life.
My hope is that everyone in my shoes pays attention to their symptoms and realizes that they do not have to live with the sickness and the pain. I hope that they see that the way they feel is not normal and that something as simple as changing their diet can help. I hope to be able to raise awareness through the story of my discovery in order to hopefully help someone notice that they have something wrong and that there is something they can do about it.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Walk That Catwalk
Auditioning for the musical after being at college for only two weeks was not exactly what I had in mind, but as we all know, theater people have a way with words and can be very convincing. Such is the life of a girl who has always found enjoyment in acting. Maybe it is the fact that for some time, even if for only a few moments, you can pretend to be something you are not. You can become anything you want to be with a personality that is completely different from your own. I have found that the more time I spend pushing myself out of my comfort zone, the more I discover who I am. This has been the natural flow of my life since I started acting in plays when I was seven years old. Eleven years later and I still enjoy theater as much as I did when I acted in my first play in a second grade classroom. Unfortunately, I have a problem with my singing voice.
I cannot sing in the least sense. My voice cracks and my roommates joke about my inability to sing and incapability of remembering the words when I do choose to grace them with my melodious serenades. I came to terms with this years ago, but some think that I use my "inability" as an excuse to not sing in front of people... until they hear me.
I was talked into auditioning for "Little Shop of Horrors" in September. Needless to say, I did not do well. In the director's words, the song I sung was "a difficult song to do". I could read right through his sugar-coated rejection. I do not know how or why I got talked into auditioning, because I knew from the beginning that I wanted to do the makeup for the show anyway.
Fast-forward to mid-November and you have me going to my first rehearsal with only three days until the first show. I signed up for makeup, however, nothing ever goes according to plan in the theater. We take on different roles and sign up without thinking and become way more invested in it than we originally plan. I once signed up to help kids with some improvisation at a Theater Camp and ended up doing the lighting for their production. C'est la vie.
I was approached within my first twenty minutes being at the practice by the actor in charge of props and he asked me if I was afraid of heights. My response was a hesitant "I guess not" which was followed by "follow me". I ascended a spiral staircase that was tighter than a dance recital french braid. I climbed the steep behemoth he called a staircase and approached the catwalk. Walking out onto the metal platform for the first time caused me to shake and fear falling. I was completely aware of my safety but unaware of what I got myself into. I was now in charge of dropping large leaf-covered plant "tentacles" from a height nearly three stories above everything. When I went up for the second time, I was able to do so with much less anxiety and I had no problem looking down. I did not shake and I enjoyed the interesting view. My fear had suddenly disappeared as I approached it with confidence and strength.
I believe that it is safe to say that I am officially over my fear of heights. I managed to climb up the stairs two times and drop large tentacles over the side while looking down the entire time. Part of pushing oneself out of one's comfort zone involves overcoming fears. I definitely did that today. If I was told this morning that I would fearlessly conquer walking across and standing on the catwalk for a prolonged amount of time, I would probably respond with an immediate "not in this lifetime". If I can get over my fears within the span of a few hours of play practice, I can't wait to see what else I can do. Maybe I will adopt a tarantula.
I cannot sing in the least sense. My voice cracks and my roommates joke about my inability to sing and incapability of remembering the words when I do choose to grace them with my melodious serenades. I came to terms with this years ago, but some think that I use my "inability" as an excuse to not sing in front of people... until they hear me.
I was talked into auditioning for "Little Shop of Horrors" in September. Needless to say, I did not do well. In the director's words, the song I sung was "a difficult song to do". I could read right through his sugar-coated rejection. I do not know how or why I got talked into auditioning, because I knew from the beginning that I wanted to do the makeup for the show anyway.
Fast-forward to mid-November and you have me going to my first rehearsal with only three days until the first show. I signed up for makeup, however, nothing ever goes according to plan in the theater. We take on different roles and sign up without thinking and become way more invested in it than we originally plan. I once signed up to help kids with some improvisation at a Theater Camp and ended up doing the lighting for their production. C'est la vie.
I was approached within my first twenty minutes being at the practice by the actor in charge of props and he asked me if I was afraid of heights. My response was a hesitant "I guess not" which was followed by "follow me". I ascended a spiral staircase that was tighter than a dance recital french braid. I climbed the steep behemoth he called a staircase and approached the catwalk. Walking out onto the metal platform for the first time caused me to shake and fear falling. I was completely aware of my safety but unaware of what I got myself into. I was now in charge of dropping large leaf-covered plant "tentacles" from a height nearly three stories above everything. When I went up for the second time, I was able to do so with much less anxiety and I had no problem looking down. I did not shake and I enjoyed the interesting view. My fear had suddenly disappeared as I approached it with confidence and strength.
I believe that it is safe to say that I am officially over my fear of heights. I managed to climb up the stairs two times and drop large tentacles over the side while looking down the entire time. Part of pushing oneself out of one's comfort zone involves overcoming fears. I definitely did that today. If I was told this morning that I would fearlessly conquer walking across and standing on the catwalk for a prolonged amount of time, I would probably respond with an immediate "not in this lifetime". If I can get over my fears within the span of a few hours of play practice, I can't wait to see what else I can do. Maybe I will adopt a tarantula.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Defending My Decision to the Board of Parents
After being diagnosed with gluten intolerance a month and a half before starting college, I was having trouble adjusting. I could easily go on about how hard it is to live with such an unusual disease, the mystery of not knowing if it truly is Celiac or just an intolerance to gluten in general, and how being in college with it, especially with so little experience, is extremely difficult. Unfortunately, I have been forced to adapt and I have gone through several painful gluten exposures (Celiac attacks as I like to call them) and many trial-and-error experiences since being diagnosed.
I believe that the beginning of this story starts with the fact that I have gone through too many major changes in my life, so consequently, I decided to change my Major.
My first change was going gluten free. I fortunately lost nearly twenty five pounds and went from being overweight to normal weight. I am now too thin for the pants I bought when I was fifteen, and to be able to say that is the best feeling in the world because I struggled with my weight, along with the unbearable and painful symptoms of gluten intolerance/Celiac, for many years.
The second change was deciding to end my three-year long relationship with my last boyfriend. He was my first love and things went very well for quite some time, but people grow apart and we both changed and became very different people. I am not sad about that fact. I understand now that things would never have worked out if we had stayed together. We are not the same people that we were when we were fifteen (even though I still wear the same jeans). I hope that one day he finds someone that makes him as happy as he made me when we were in high school, because he deserves it.
My final change was moving over three hours away from my small town in the middle of Vermont to Merrimack College, a wonderful school just miles from Boston. Adjusting to this change has been hard and leaving my parents and my sister was definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I entered college as a Biology Major. In all honesty, I really did not think it through, which is very unusual for me. I knew I had to make a decision on what to major in, so I decided to go with a science (a field I have always loved) and do a Pre-Med track. It was probably about the second day of college that I decided I did not want to be a Biology Major. I saw that Health Science was a major that was offered and I started to look into it.
After dealing with undiagnosed gluten intolerance for many years and making the transition to a 100% gluten free diet, I knew the joy of finally feeling healthy, something I have arguably never felt, at least not to the degree that I do now. I want everyone to feel as healthy and as wonderful as I do now. Everyone deserves to feel this wonderful. I want to help anyone who deals with dietary problems like because it is just awful to go through and I would like to aid them in the transition to a healthier lifestyle if I can.
I decided to change my major to Health Science with a Nutrition concentration and I declared two minors in Biology and Sports Medicine. Although it is a mouthful and sounds complicated, I am very excited and very sure about what I am doing. I did a lot of research about it and I know it is exactly what I want to do. I told my mother and she said that it was a good idea... last week.
Today on Skype with my parents, I was grilled about my change of Major and what I wanted to do with my life. I was told that I cannot move back to Vermont with the job I will have and I will not make enough money if I live near a city, even though a city is one of the only places where I will be able to get a job. My parents told me that I need to think about the long-term.
Before this conversation, I never thought about much longer than the next five years. I thought that I would finish my degree at Merrimack, then go to UVM for my Master's degree and find a job in Burlington, Vermont. When my mother told me I need to stay near Boston, I was surprised. I love Vermont and I miss it. My mother told me that I really need to change my mind, because a job in my field in Vermont will only bring me to Burlington, and I will never find any other connections if I stay there.
After this heartbreaking news, I had to defend my decision to my father. He told me not to quickly decide on such a massive life change. I had been considering changing my major for a month before I told anyone. I then spent the next month asking nearly everyone what they thought. I asked my friends that are Health Science majors what they thought I should do. I went to the Career Center, spoke to peers, and did hours of research on jobs, salaries, graduate programs, and nearly everything that had to do with Health Science. I decided that I want to be a Registered Dietitian. Maybe I will work in a Nursing Home, possibly for a Hospital, but hopefully for the FDA because I want to change the requirements on allergen warnings in order to help people like me with gluten intolerance understand easily what is safe to eat. I put many hours of investigation into the decision and I am very confident in the change.
I defended this decision to my father in a lengthy explanation of almost half an hour. Moreover, I went on to explain why I chose a Biology minor (I will only have to take one extra class total to establish one, so it makes sense) which he supported, but explaining my Sports Medicine minor was much more difficult. I had to explain that because exercise is such a huge component of general health, it goes well with Nutrition and how I felt that having this as a minor would help me with competition for jobs. I had to defend all these decisions and make both parents understand that I am completely aware of the fact that there is risk involved the major I am choosing and with going for a job that does not have guaranteed employment.
I understand why they needed this explanation. I justified it with myself nearly hundreds of times in my mind before telling anyone, and another hundred times after that. I made the decision based on talking to nearly anyone who would listen. I asked everyone in the Health Science field what they thought of their classes, their professors, and their future. Everyone I tell about my change of Major encourages me, but my parents were the only ones who were hesitant to become as excited as I get just thinking about it.
The bottom line is, I know that they are concerned for me. I will be making a salary that is not above average. I will probably struggle financially. However, I will work extremely hard and I will be the best that I possibly can be.
I know the struggle of living with food intolerance and I know what it is like to try to find out how to do it without any help from those with experience. My parents did their best and were supportive, but being as inexperienced as I was, could not do much to help other than help cook my separate meals. My doctor gave me a sheet of paper saying what foods I could not eat, but nobody ever really tells me what I can. I want to help people understand what they can eat.
In conclusion, I want to get through these major transitions and help others get through transitions as well. Everyone has to grow up and leave their parents. Everyone gets their heart broken. Everyone has their medical conditions they have to deal with. I had to do all three at once, which in the end makes me a stronger person, but these last few months have been very difficult. I think that now that I have a plan, I will help people like me, and hopefully enjoy myself while doing so.
I believe that the beginning of this story starts with the fact that I have gone through too many major changes in my life, so consequently, I decided to change my Major.
My first change was going gluten free. I fortunately lost nearly twenty five pounds and went from being overweight to normal weight. I am now too thin for the pants I bought when I was fifteen, and to be able to say that is the best feeling in the world because I struggled with my weight, along with the unbearable and painful symptoms of gluten intolerance/Celiac, for many years.
The second change was deciding to end my three-year long relationship with my last boyfriend. He was my first love and things went very well for quite some time, but people grow apart and we both changed and became very different people. I am not sad about that fact. I understand now that things would never have worked out if we had stayed together. We are not the same people that we were when we were fifteen (even though I still wear the same jeans). I hope that one day he finds someone that makes him as happy as he made me when we were in high school, because he deserves it.
My final change was moving over three hours away from my small town in the middle of Vermont to Merrimack College, a wonderful school just miles from Boston. Adjusting to this change has been hard and leaving my parents and my sister was definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I entered college as a Biology Major. In all honesty, I really did not think it through, which is very unusual for me. I knew I had to make a decision on what to major in, so I decided to go with a science (a field I have always loved) and do a Pre-Med track. It was probably about the second day of college that I decided I did not want to be a Biology Major. I saw that Health Science was a major that was offered and I started to look into it.
After dealing with undiagnosed gluten intolerance for many years and making the transition to a 100% gluten free diet, I knew the joy of finally feeling healthy, something I have arguably never felt, at least not to the degree that I do now. I want everyone to feel as healthy and as wonderful as I do now. Everyone deserves to feel this wonderful. I want to help anyone who deals with dietary problems like because it is just awful to go through and I would like to aid them in the transition to a healthier lifestyle if I can.
I decided to change my major to Health Science with a Nutrition concentration and I declared two minors in Biology and Sports Medicine. Although it is a mouthful and sounds complicated, I am very excited and very sure about what I am doing. I did a lot of research about it and I know it is exactly what I want to do. I told my mother and she said that it was a good idea... last week.
Today on Skype with my parents, I was grilled about my change of Major and what I wanted to do with my life. I was told that I cannot move back to Vermont with the job I will have and I will not make enough money if I live near a city, even though a city is one of the only places where I will be able to get a job. My parents told me that I need to think about the long-term.
Before this conversation, I never thought about much longer than the next five years. I thought that I would finish my degree at Merrimack, then go to UVM for my Master's degree and find a job in Burlington, Vermont. When my mother told me I need to stay near Boston, I was surprised. I love Vermont and I miss it. My mother told me that I really need to change my mind, because a job in my field in Vermont will only bring me to Burlington, and I will never find any other connections if I stay there.
After this heartbreaking news, I had to defend my decision to my father. He told me not to quickly decide on such a massive life change. I had been considering changing my major for a month before I told anyone. I then spent the next month asking nearly everyone what they thought. I asked my friends that are Health Science majors what they thought I should do. I went to the Career Center, spoke to peers, and did hours of research on jobs, salaries, graduate programs, and nearly everything that had to do with Health Science. I decided that I want to be a Registered Dietitian. Maybe I will work in a Nursing Home, possibly for a Hospital, but hopefully for the FDA because I want to change the requirements on allergen warnings in order to help people like me with gluten intolerance understand easily what is safe to eat. I put many hours of investigation into the decision and I am very confident in the change.
I defended this decision to my father in a lengthy explanation of almost half an hour. Moreover, I went on to explain why I chose a Biology minor (I will only have to take one extra class total to establish one, so it makes sense) which he supported, but explaining my Sports Medicine minor was much more difficult. I had to explain that because exercise is such a huge component of general health, it goes well with Nutrition and how I felt that having this as a minor would help me with competition for jobs. I had to defend all these decisions and make both parents understand that I am completely aware of the fact that there is risk involved the major I am choosing and with going for a job that does not have guaranteed employment.
I understand why they needed this explanation. I justified it with myself nearly hundreds of times in my mind before telling anyone, and another hundred times after that. I made the decision based on talking to nearly anyone who would listen. I asked everyone in the Health Science field what they thought of their classes, their professors, and their future. Everyone I tell about my change of Major encourages me, but my parents were the only ones who were hesitant to become as excited as I get just thinking about it.
The bottom line is, I know that they are concerned for me. I will be making a salary that is not above average. I will probably struggle financially. However, I will work extremely hard and I will be the best that I possibly can be.
I know the struggle of living with food intolerance and I know what it is like to try to find out how to do it without any help from those with experience. My parents did their best and were supportive, but being as inexperienced as I was, could not do much to help other than help cook my separate meals. My doctor gave me a sheet of paper saying what foods I could not eat, but nobody ever really tells me what I can. I want to help people understand what they can eat.
In conclusion, I want to get through these major transitions and help others get through transitions as well. Everyone has to grow up and leave their parents. Everyone gets their heart broken. Everyone has their medical conditions they have to deal with. I had to do all three at once, which in the end makes me a stronger person, but these last few months have been very difficult. I think that now that I have a plan, I will help people like me, and hopefully enjoy myself while doing so.
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